opinion

Bathrooms

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As this Transgender Day of Visibility comes to a close, I’d like to share something I overheard this afternoon.

It was a discussion behind me about trans use of bathrooms in North Carolina between (what I presumed to be) a married couple in their fifties or older.

Husband: It’s not hard. Men use the men’s room; women use the women’s.
Wife: Something about trans people getting beat up in the opposite bathroom.
Husband (with a laugh): Is that my problem? If you dress like a women….. (the implication being simply to not dress like a woman.)

I didn’t hear the rest, and no I didn’t call him out. They were having a private conversation, they weren’t that loud, and I was eavesdropping.

But I will answer his question – yes, it is your problem. It is everyone’s problem when anyone is afraid to use a bathroom; when people are being persecuted and assaulted in a public bathroom because of their gender identity.

When the women’s line is too long, how many of us use the men’s room? Show of hands? Mine’s raised.

What about bringing our opposite gender children into the bathroom with us? How old is too old? Because to be honest, in Penn Station, my eleven year old is still too young to go by himself.

What about bringing our opposite gender disabled family member into the bathroom with us?

I honestly don’t understand the uproar.

The only thing I want from a public toilet is to get in, get out and have as little interaction with anyone as possible.

So yes, it is your problem unless you want to live in a society that is so prejudicial that we won’t allow people to use the bathroom.

It’s not about comfort; it’s about safety.

Should a Day of Service Be Used to Evangelize?

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I know several of my readers are religious and I’m kind of curious what people think. I’m part of a committee with my church to organize and hold a parish wide day of service. We were discussing our mission and our “slogan” (for lack of a better word), and one person objected to not including Jesus in the promotional materials and our language of introduction when we go on these service opportunities.

I objected to that overt evangelizing once we get to the service location. The locations are places like soup kitchens, nursing homes, hospitals, etc.

His main point was that we’re doing this in service to Christ and walking in his steps, and we should be expressing that to the people we’re volunteering with.

I obviously don’t believe we should ignore the fact that we are coming from the church. And expressing Jesus’ influence and mission as part of our recruiting of parishioners to volunteer is clearly appropriate. I also don’t have a problem with telling the people we’re working with that we are with the church and this is our day of service, that we’re volunteers and we’re excited to be there and even that our faith influenced our volunteering for service.

I do think, however that there’s a difference between evangelizing and serving and we need to be aware of what our mission is as a volunteer and follower of Jesus.

Our mission as volunteers is to walk Christ’s path.

That may not the expectation or interest of the random person we’re working with whom we’ve never met before.

I’m not suggesting hiding our Catholicism or that we are doing this as part of our works of mercy, and I’m not even afraid of offending people, which is the word my acquaintance used. It’s not about offending or not offending.

It’s about respecting.

I think that the majority of people we’ll be encountering will be at-risk, whether they’re kids or elderly, poor or other marginalized groups, and they shouldn’t feel blackmailed into being prosthelytized to just to get a special service. Or to feel that if they don’t listen to the Jesus time-share lecture, they shouldn’t participate.

For anyone who’s ever experienced that (and I have been on the receiving end of condescension of my own faith and the hard sell that I was following the wrong religion). It’s a turn off. More than that, it’s not just offensive, it’s painful to be on that side, to be the other.

Maybe I’m being overprotective of a group that doesn’t exist in this case, but I really do think it’s more important to be there in the moment and not worry about giving the message of Jesus. Our being there doing Jesus’ works is sending the only message we should be concerned about; the tangible message of helping our neighbors, of service with mercy and humility. That includes letting our actions dictate our works, and not our words.

I think we need to take into account the diverse nature of these types of places and include everyone without excluding anyone.

Carol (The Walking Dead Meta) (6.9)

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This is the first of what will be several writings on the latest episode of The Walking Dead, No Way Out [6.9]. I have to say that this is one of the best episodes I’ve ever seen. Yes, some parts were a little hokey (think Gabriel and Eugene) and some were a little unrealistic (in the confines of the zombie fantasy itself), but throughout this episode we laughed, we screamed, we cheered and that is what makes a good episode.

Count that as a first disclaimer. The second is that SPOILERS will abound and where I am able to cut (on various media), I will. The third disclaimer is for this one in particular. I am not a fan of Carol.  I have no problem with Melissa McBride and it really speaks to her acting that I recognize that she plays Carol perfectly; I am just not a fan of hers [Carol’s]. I still think I can write an impartial meta or opinion piece or whatever this is.

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Freedom and Facebook and Politics, Oh My

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Before I write and post about my thoughts on the Jubilee of Mercy that began on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I wanted, no, needed to get this out of my system.

At some point, this will get back to my Facebook, and so I want to include this disclaimer for anyone who sees themselves in this screed.

This is not directed at any one person or any group of people. When I’ve seen these posts on my Facebook, they are from such a wide range of beliefs, political views, and religious affiliations that I started to see it as satire. The people who post these, I believe, are truly afraid of losing something. I honestly don’t understand it, but I know these people, and it saddens me to watch so many of them, not only posting these, but believing that they are true.

I can think of ten posts in the last two days that this might pertain to. For me, it might be a camel’s back sort of thing that pumped me up, so please do not be offended. And as usual, my disclaimer is longer than the entire thought.

As I moved from one marginalized group (Jewish) to another seemingly marginalized one (Catholic), I discovered the same thoughts of the presence of discrimination towards them. That isn’t to say that either group is wrong – in many ways we are all others to someone else, and when that happens we feel that. Although honestly, Christians are the least marginalized groups out there; of course unless you’re Catholic, Mormon, Jehovah’s Witness, Seventh Day Adventist, African or Arab.

A lot of that stems from the attempts to include our various religions in our local (and national) government and the fact that many of us would prefer to keep it separate since you can’t possibly include everyone. For example, I’m okay with a decorated tree for the season, but I draw the line at a creche. (Yes, I still believe this even after my conversion.) A menorah, I’m on the fence about. As a Jewish person, the menorah is a religious symbol. When I taught preschool, and the kids made menorahs, mine were the only ones without a Star of David. I didn’t think sending home the Jewish star was appropriate, just like if a teacher sent home a crucifix as an art assignment for my children.

In all of the schools my kids attended, I’ve felt welcome and included for the most part. In our first school district, the school held an annual assembly – a holiday sing-a-long. I don’t recall if they called it holiday or Christmas, but it included more than Christmas songs. Most were secular, but they did throw in Silent Night and Away in a Manger in additon to Jingle Bells and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The principal wore reindeer antlers and played the piano, and it was a wonderful, beautiful, small town in the city community gathering. I loved it, and after we changed school districts, we returned for that sing-a-long assembly for a couple of years after.

But recently, on my Facebook, and other places on the Internet that I usually ignore, there seems to be this thought of anti-Christian, anti-American bias that I’m just not seeing in reality.

Facebook does not suppress religious photos or patriotic photos. You’re not prohibited from saying Merry Christmas and G-d Bless America, so please, say it and post it to your heart’s content. Just please stop saying that you’re posting it in defiance of some imaginary Facebook TOS rule.

The Internet is indeed Real Life. When I started in 2008, there was that distinction. That line has been obliterated as we use our online presences for almost everything in our lives from communicating with our jobs and schools to holiday cards and birthday greetings. Online, offline, it is all part of us and our socializing in today’s world.

So, post your greetings whatever they might be. If I agree with them or like the cute picture of polar bears skiing, I’ll share it. Or I won’t. But posting it is not defiant. In fact, it is conforming and ordinary.

Creches and Nativity scenes. American flags and bald eagles. Religious posts, atheist posts. Wiccans and Solstice, Druidic prayers and Pope Francis’ words of wisdom.

Post them, don’t post them. Share them, don’t. I don’t care, (clearly I do, but really I don’t), but please stop telling me that Facebook cares what we post and will take it down so we must post three thousand American flags in a row or two thousand fifteen nativity scenes, not to mention that it’s still Advent – who is that in your manger?

No one is taking your guns. In fact, you’ve had more gun freedom under President Obama than the last two presidents (probably more than that).

He also is not taking too many vacation days. He’s used the least amount of vacation days of any president in this generation. We go to Long Island for Thanksgiving; he goes to Hawaii. That’s home.

He’s approved the least pardons.

He’s also Christian. Evangelical as a matter of fact.

Hillary Clinton might not be your cup of tea, but she’s not stupid and she didn’t murder an ambassador.

Do you know what I’ve been hearing at my church for the last couple of weeks? And not just from the priest and deacon, but from your run of the mill parishioners? Jesus and the Holy Family were refugees. Just like the Syrians. Except they were Jewish. Just like the ones we didn’t want and sent back in WWII. Escaping tyranny with only the clothes on their backs. Swaddling clothes in His case.

So play your Christmas carols, post your freedoms, but know that they’re not being taken away. Not sharing is not prohibiting. Saying Happy Holidays is inclusive, not EXclusive. It is for everyone – not so they’re not offended, but because we love them and they love us and they want to express that without getting a lecture on how they’re not Jewish or Christian or that they’re Wiccan and celebrate a secular Christmas, etc.

Christmas is about more than the birth of Christ. Advent and the Incarnation of Christ is in tandem with Lent and Easter. Christ is to be born in order to fulfill the prophecy that leads Him to Calvary and his Death so he can be born again. He dies for our sins, and is resurrected for our salvation.

But more than that, it is about what he said in John 13:34-35: “I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another. This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

It’s so important that he repeats it in John 15:12. “This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.”

Season’s Greetings, Friends, and a Blessed and Happy New Year ❤

Je Suis Paris

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Artist: Jean Jullien

I haven’t had any problem expressing my outrage and my pain with the terrorist attacks in Paris, France earlier this week. I put the news on for the first time in two months. I needed to see what was happening thousands of miles away but in a place I’ve thought often about. My thoughts went to my friends who live there, to my son’s school visits to Paris in recent years. I have been struggling with the outward expression of solidarity however. As the French flags went up on Facebook profiles, I knew I didn’t want one, but I didn’t really know why. My friend put it into words when he removed his transparency from his profile pic. Here we are supporting France (as we should be) when we ignored the same type of attack in Beirut this week, ignoring Kenya’s terrorist attack at the beginning of the month, and the Syrian Refugee Crisis.

Many people cite racism. The French are white Europeans and not Middle Eastern Arabs, but that’s not my thinking or the thinking of my friends, so why do the majority of us focus on their pain?

For many Americans, myself included, France is our friend. Of course, we’re upset at the tragedy befalling others, but we know France. France has been our friend since the literal beginning. They helped us become who we are, not like a parent, but more like a favorite and favored uncle. That doesn’t mean that Great Uncle Al, twice removed and divorced from the family isn’t thought about and cared about and mourned when he dies, but he’s not Dad’s brother. Dad’s brother has picked me up and patched up my skinned knees. He’s taken care of me, and he’s always there when I call. It’s not the homoethnicity as much as the familial relationship that we have with the French people.

In addition to that, I mentioned that my son has been to Paris. Twice. I imagine how I would have felt if he were there at this time and it tears me up. I have put myself in the places of the Syrian refugees and Arab victims and I’ve cried and felt pain and received courage from them but my family…

Since I wasn’t able to attend Sunday Mass this week (I hurt my leg and couldn’t manage the walking), I still read the readings, and one of them spoke to me about this tragedy and unrest in the world.

In my life, the readings and the Scripture and my spiritual headspace includes everyone; it is a part of my everyday life. I live it. It is a Living Word.

From today’s Readings in the Entrance Antiphon:

The Lord said: I think thoughts of peace and not of affliction. You will call upon me, and I will answer you, and I will lead back your captives from every place.

– Jer 29:11, 12, 14

This stuck with me throughout the morning, and regardless of your religious affiliation or no affiliation we can still think on and want and hope for peace and for affliction to be gone, in my life, in my family, in my world.

G-d promises to listen and answer and lead back those of us who are ‘captive’, missing, stuck in situations not of their making; to help them escape, like Moses leading the Jewish people out of Egypt and out of slavery.

Non-religious people have their own beliefs and hopes for peace and ending conflict and affliction and bringing those ‘captives’ back home.

The current book that I’m reading is Revelations of Divine Love by Julian of Norwich. In the 16th Revelation she relays from her vision:

‘But take it, believe it and keep yourself within it, comfort yourself with it and trust yourself to it; and you shall not be overcome.’

You shall not be overcome.

We have the strength to get through these tough times and any other tough times that are yet to come. G-d is speaking through her, and her visions – she is not alone in her world, and similarly we are not alone. We are surrounded by people who are on our side and want to and will help us through the hard times and celebrate the good ones.

As I said about prayer earlier today, prayer builds up, and doesn’t tear down. That doesn’t mean that prayer is the only way. Embrace all the ways people want to help, through spirituality or through humanity, and we will be better for it.

Why Don’t I Like Carol?

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When we meet Carol Peletier we can see that her husband is domineering, she’s easily apologetic and it is clear that she is Sophia’s prime caregiver. We have no idea what they’ve done for a living, but she seems to be a homemaker and he is certainly ready for some kind of dystopian world. They have plenty of supplies and he doesn’t want to share. This could be survival, but it can also be selfish douche; maybe he’s a hoarder. Or paranoid. Whatever it is she doesn’t argue the point and immediately goes to apologize to Lori as if she made a mistake. Lori senses something and let’s it go, herself apologizing to Carol.

At the end of season 5, we have a complete turnaround. She is no longer the mild-mannered, quiet follower that we first met. In fact, she has a contempt for those types of people. In Alexandria, she calls them children. If those were the only two episodes you watched, you’d find the change startling.

My husband told me when (not if, but when) I started watching The Walking Dead, I would love Carol. I would love her story arc, her character development, how she goes from Stepford wife, mother, and abuse victim to badass survivor and leader equal to Michonne or any of them. Once I began to watch, I tried; I really tried to like her, but my animosity towards her is almost equal to hers for the Alexandrians.

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Life and Living

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(It says: “Until life within the womb of a mother is safe, life outside the womb will never be safe.”)

(*Note: I saw this earlier today and I had an opinion on it to share. Not all of my reflections this Lent will be on my positive journeying through the forty days. I have many things that cross my mind in a day, and this was today’s.
Trigger warnings for abortion and choice.*)

I could not disagree with this more. In fact, I find it offensive that this is part of a so-called pro-life campaign.

In fact, I think the opposite is true: it is our obligation to care for those already born and through education and appropriate birth control, abortions will, and have been going steadier, lower.

The false equivalency of a fetus and a grown person having the same safety concerns tells me that the person who wrote this sign doesn’t understand the real issues that women in this country, pregnant or not, face on a daily basis.

Is abortion really less safe than being born without a spinal cord or a brain stem?

Is abortion really less safe than starving and dying in poverty?

Is abortion really less safe than living in a chronically abusive household?

Do we really care more for our unborn than our already born? Our persons of color? Our single parents? Our foster kids? Our child victims of rape who are forced to carry babies to term when their emotional states and their physical bodies are not ready for it?

Shouldn’t we begin with taking care of those outside the womb first? If we can’t get that right, how can we presume to know what’s the best options for inside someone else’s body?

We also know that a fetus could not survive on its own without its physical attachment to the mother, the host, unlike people who are already living, breathing, thinking human beings. It is not a symbiotic relationship; it is strictly one-sided. If you remove the baby from the situation, the mother will still be alive. The opposite is not true.

I would prefer less bumper sticker sanctimony and more real world options without the attack on pregnant women at every turn.

An Uncomfortable Conversation

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Recently while I was driving, my eight-year old daughter started a conversation asking how people had babies. After a moment of almost going off the road I realized that she wasn’t asking how they are made but how they were born. She already knows they grow in women’s tummies. I’ve had three C-sections, so I started there, but eventually had to get into vaginal birth and it was still very basic, no problem.

Then the tougher questions came.

“Do I need to have a boyfriend to have a baby?”

Okay, good moment to express my equality stance by saying, no, you don’t need a boyfriend. You don’t need to be married. You can have a girlfriend. You can be married if you want. (There was a tangent taken that you do need a boy and a girl to make a baby, but you’re too young so we’re not going to talk about that, but no, you can be single and have a baby.)

So far, so good. Or really just satisfactory because this is the most uncomfortable, but necessary conversation to have with your child.

Then it got tougher still.

“What if I don’t want to have a baby?”

You don’t have to have one.

“What if someone wants to make me?” (No idea where this came from, but she was concerned about it.)

I won’t let them.

“What if you’re not there?” (Thanks for reminding me of the fragility of life and my impending mortality.)

If you don’t want to have a baby, there will be people who care about you who will make sure that you don’t have to have one. Or a boyfriend if you don’t want one. But don’t worry about that now, okay? You have a long way to get there.

Okay.

I could feel us both near tears by the end of this conversation, and I guess I put it out of my mind.

She was satisfied with the answers; I was satisfied-ish with my answers and all was well until the next time this subject (or another one like it) comes up.

This was weeks ago, and this morning at about 3am, I suddenly woke up and realized that with the way things are going in this country, my daughter may be more prescient than I thought. The irony that this came to me unbidden on the eve of the birth of Jesus is not lost on me. Perhaps he is the child of the most famous, single teenage mother to date. Not only a single mother, but a person of color living in her parents’ house, struggling with some tough decisions that a teenage girl should not have to make. Obviously, we know how her story ends; the Archangel Gabriel asked her and her faith led her to her decision, her assent to becoming the Mother of G-d.

I tried to ignore the replay of that conversation with my daughter in my head. It would not go away. I spent two hours tossing and turning and not sleeping when I realized sadly how relevant that exchange was.

What I thought of as a little girl’s worries about things she doesn’t understand are more relevant to today’s women than I realized.

There are women today who are forced to give birth against their will because someone else decided that they can’t have an abortion.

They became pregnant in the first place because someone else decided that they can’t learn how to prevent pregnancy.

Someone else decided that they can’t choose their own birth control and family planning; that their reproductive rights are nothing more than an antiquated notion as they are patted on the head and sent on their way.

These same people, who find the names of their football teams sacred, who can’t say the word vagina even when legislating against taking care of it, who choose to have vasectomies and abandon their own children are deciding that my child can’t make her own choices.

I realized that this world is not as far off as I thought it was.

In stating that I wouldn’t let anyone do that to her, it was the knee-jerk reaction of a mother protecting her child, but I won’t be there forever. Who will protect her rights when I’m gone?

We need to fix this now.

Right now.

No more Rick Brattins, representative of Missouri who wants a woman to have the permission of the father to get an abortion.

No more Bob McDonnells, former governor of Virginia, who wants to force women to undergo an unnecessary and invasive medical procedure before having an abortion (which has thankfully been ruled unconstitutional recently in federal court.)

No more Joe Walshs, Republican representative who said that there should be no exceptions to anti-abortion legislation including if the life of the mother was at stake.

No more Sam Brownbacks and Scott Walkers, governors of Kansas and Wisconsin respectively who followed Bob McDonnell’s trans-vaginal ultrasound stance.

No more Todd Akins and Richard Mourdocks.

This needs to stop.

Abortion needs to remain safe and legal for ALL women regardless of circumstances and socio-economic disparity.

We need to teach girls and boys alike that abortion is a last resort, but it is always an option. If we weren’t so afraid of premarital sex being the official bogeyman of a teenager’s life, we could talk about real reasons why teens should wait for sex. We could teach comprehensive sex education including PREVENTING pregnancy, which in itself would prevent abortions.

We wouldn’t be demonizing contraceptive drugs in their non-birth control use and glorifying and making easily available men’s erectile dysfunction drugs which are held up in every advertisement as take this, have sex.

I won’t be around to protect my daughter and make sure that her wishes for or against pregnancy are followed.

I need the rest of this country to look out for HER INTERESTS instead of their own.

At eight years old, my daughter should not be worrying about people making her have a baby or forcing her to have a boyfriend or be married if she wants a baby.

At eight years old, she may not fully understand it, but she knows it’s wrong and it worries her.

It worries me too.

The Republicans win the Senate

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The headline I woke up to was ‘seize’ the Senate, but really it was simply apathy that won the day. And before someone says it, two more Senators does not a mandate make.

Where would we be if every eligible voter votes and voted their conscience? I think Congress would have a completely different make-up.

For the most part, the Republicans I know personally all have good hearts, but the money disparity in the campaigns (thanks to Citizens United) can no longer be ignored. When “corporations are people, my friend” and women aren’t, there is a serious misconception (no pun intended) in what constitutes equality and fairness.

Does anyone who voted Republican truly think they’ve made a difference? Do they think that Republicans will turn this dwindling economy around? They won’t. They’ve had six years and have focused on social politics that get them money and votes, but not jobs when even registered Republicans have answered the polls negatively; have stated that the focus on marriage equality and reproductive rights/conception is their platform even when their constituents don’t want that.

They have had the power in the House to take care of the economy and help Americans but instead, they’ve provided gridlock worse than an L.A. freeway or the NJ Turnpike on Thanksgiving weekend and if humanly possible it will only get worse. They will concentrate on making their fortune while continuing to do nothing.

They’ve contributed to hate talk, fear-mongering, to fact-ignoring and in its place they’ve offered “if I say it, it must be true, no matter how ridiculous.”

We’ve become a nation of paradoxes:

a land of immigrants who are anti-immigration.

a land of GI Bill recipients and subsidized housing that wishes its disabled veterans would go away, preferably quietly.

a nation that promotes the porn industry in private and then blames the subjugated for how they are treated.

a nation of individuals unless your individuality is that of transgender youth wanting to use the bathroom without harassment.

a nation of equality unless you’re a woman exercising your reproductive rights or a black teenage boy walking down a street.

It’s hypocrisy at its worst, and it will only get worse.

I propose a solution to this lame duck Congress. Instead of wasting two years getting nothing done and paying for it, waiting for the next election and watching the blame game dance of pass the House & Senate, vetoed by the President, we banish them ALL and hold the election again.

We have seven weeks.

Everyone back to your corners, everyone given the same exact amount of campaign funds, no interest groups, no DNC, no RNC, and EVERY AMERICAN ELIGIBLE VOTES.

Let’s see where this country stands when push comes to shove because this – what we have now – is worse than 1775 and we know what happened then.

Instead of GOTV, how about GOYA!

Vote.

Serve jury duty.

Help your neighbor.

It’s not someone else’s problem; it’s everyone’s problem.

Where is the respect for a differing opinion? Buried under piles of interest group money.

It’s time to fix this system before it’s too late.