my 42

As Holy Week Ends

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It’s full of run on sentences but that just adds to the breathlessness of writing about Wales. I’m really happy with what I did in my travel writer’s class in the twenty minute exercise. Like, really happy with it. Homework is to continue the piece, which I’m very excited about.

Excellent Walking Dead finale! Can’t stop thinking about it. I’m writing great meta in my head, but it won’t transfer to the page. Still working on it. I also loved the April Fool’s from Stephen King about writing an episode. It’s funny how I don’t read his books, but I like everything else about the man.

Excellent Supernatural! Loved every bit of it. Cas jumping into the playground door to heaven was badass. Crowley standing up to Rowena. Rowena’s face when she didn’t kill Dean. Dean and Crowley having a drink together. The séance. Bobby. BOBBY!

The Flash (SPOILERS) had the best moment on so many levels with Mark Hamill playing The Trickster. He leans down close into the copycat’s face and in telling him why he chose him, had a longish pause, and then says slowly and pointedly (and what I guessed was coming), “I am your father.” It was the perfect homage without the shark jumping cliché. I find that’s the best thing about The Flash. It’s really the one thing we love to watch as a family. It has a great pace, full of humor and adventure. Great cast, great story, and as I am the non-comic book reader of the family you don’t need to read the comics to really enjoy this show.

The Easter Vigil is tomorrow night. All throughout this week’s services and masses, people keep coming up to me, asking how I feel, patting my shoulder, hugging me, reminding me that it’s my first anniversary. I’m both excited and non-plussed as I don’t feel that different today than I felt a year ago after the vigil. This church is only becoming more of a belonging space for me. I’m asked to hand out papers and cards after mass. The ongoing support is continuing and welcome.

My son is on his school trip overseas, to France. Several of his close friends are also on the trip. It’s hard to believe he’s already 18, and he’s graduating this spring/summer. He’s just a wonderful person in so many ways.

The other two are fighting like cats and dogs and today is only the first day of spring break!

Last fish on Friday til next year and then turkey dinner for Easter. What should I make for dessert?

We’ll be visiting my mother in law next week. Many of you know that she was hit by a car in 2013 and has been recovering ever since. She is back in the rehab because of a slight set-back, but she is strong and feeling better. This rehab center gives her confidence; they are a good caring place.

I was originally going to write a reflection here on how I was feeling this Holy Week, but when I began to write this (more or less) social media update, I realized that it really spells out how my Holy Week is going and how it’s making me feel. While I didn’t do as much introspection and meditation as I would have liked this Lent, I think that was my own fault for committing myself to a daily reflection. Instead of being a spiritual release, on some days (not many), it became a burden, which was totally not my intention. I’ve never been a questioner about my conversion, but this Lent felt much more comfortable for me with a better direction and reasons for doing things. I found it easier to talk to my kids about Jesus and being Catholic, which was not something that I found stress-free in the past. This morning when I said that I wanted to bring them to the Good Friday service, they didn’t want to go, but when I explained that it was the day that Jesus died and I really wanted to attend, they understood the importance of that, and agreed to go with very little disagreement. They were also very well behaved and my son in particular joined in the group readings and sang along with the hymns. Not exactly something he does, so it made my heart warm. My daughter took out her Kindle and began drawing pictures of churches, steeples and crosses. That was her way of showing her respect and I thought it was right for her. (When I saw her Bike Race app however, I told her to put it away.)

The Supernatural family is still my family and The Walking Dead has sparked my creativity as has this new workshop for travel writing.  Currently, the television is off, although the kids are on tablets, but the house is quiet, which is always a good thing. I did one weekend retreat in February, one day retreat in March, and in May I have plans to do an overnight at the same retreat house. They are very welcoming and accommodating with my money situation. I am also hoping to go again to Spring Enrichment with the Diocese.

I know it seems as though my little world revolves around my church, but the church seems to have brought all of the me’s together to form the birth (or re-birth) of an authentic me, a genuine me, a me who I should be. Add into that my writing, my travel, my faith, history and advocacy, justice and beauty, motherhood and mothering, family and camaraderie. All of my belonging spaces coming together to create my loft house in the woods where I am the only one who can see how the paths converge and spread like the threads of a spider web, catching all of the ideas, all of the wants, all of the being that I long for.

I wasn’t looking for a new religion when I went into my church initially. I wanted quiet; and comfort. Receiving both of those I looked for nothing else. My skepticism held fast, but when Jesus came to me in a bright light, no words were needed; indeed the words are already there through the Gospels. He needed no words to lead me to His salvation, or mine I suppose; the light was enough to open my eyes.

For me, the first half of this is no different from the second half. What I do in my daily life, whether important or insouciant, it is all with the basis of faith; with the foundation of belief; with the heart of Jesus.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

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It was eighteen years ago today that I became a parent; a mother. A first baby changes things. It changes everything. From one to two to three. A little early, a little small, but a perfect baby with all the pieces that babies are supposed to come with. Things did not go as the textbooks and classes promised but the one thing they did promise is that each birth is different even as it’s all the same, and it is. Twelve days in the hospital, a feeding tube, a phenomenal rash, jaundice, but once we went home, it was baby, baby, baby, all the time, baby.

He was small but grew quickly. He ate everything including onions and broccoli, Chinese and Indian food. He tried anything you gave him. He sat up, he crawled, he walked, he ran. He never wore shoes but he always wore socks. His favorite color had always been red, and he loved fire trucks. He dressed as a firefighter for Halloween at least three times. On days not Halloween, he still dressed like a firefighter; all the time.

He used my father’s desk, and when he graduates from high school he’ll get my father’s ring. Video games and iPods, Skype with friends, theatre and stage crew.

In Jewish culture which is how I (and he) grew up, the two letters that form the word Chai translates to life. L’chaim. Chai is also 18. So this is also his Chai birthday.

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Today he turns eighteen. We celebrated yesterday because today…. what’s he doing today? He’s about an hour or so away, doing trench training with the fire department. He starts college in five months to study fire and paramedicine service. He drives, a little too fast for my comfort and he’s planning a trip to see his friend away at college, also out of my comfort.

While he’s not a baby, he’s still my baby.

Faith?

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“So if you’re down they push you down, fella, they push you down .” – Calvin Crabill, The Dust Bowl documentary, 2013

This is how I feel with my financial troubles. I know that we’re responsible for our mistakes. I accept that. But when you’re lied to and misinformed add deliberately deceived, how can you escape that? How can you get back up from that?

As for me, I trust in the Lord. Let me be glad and rejoice in your mercy, for you have seen my affliction. Cf. Ps 31 (30):7-8

Photo 101: Home

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Quick note about the photo:
1. Taken in my corner office from my cushy chair.
2. Taken with my Kindle Fire HD camera, no filters, no photoshop, no cropping.
3. Home is many things, in and out of the physical home. This photo highlights some of my home things from family pictures, fandom, school and church papers, cell phone, remote, notebook, diet soda and tea hiding in the background.
4. There are other things that illustrate what is home to me but I wanted to take a new photo for today’s project and this home was available.

Intention

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Intentions are important. My decision to miss morning mass this morning was with the intention of going to tonight’s mass.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep this afternoon, and now I feel like Rip Van Winkle. My head is groggy, my mind is foggy, my hands are tingling, and the last thing I want to do is go out in the cold.

I will probably stay home, and read my devotional. Although I find that positive, it’s not the same as being in the community of church.

Intentions are important.

I must remember that follow throughs are more so.

Half a Century and A World Ago

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Today would have been my parents’ 50th anniversary. They were married on February 5th, 1965.

My mother is in the center, wearing the pink suit with my father to her left. Deanne and Gerald.

Just to her right is my grandmother, Sadie and over her shoulder is my grandfather, Richard or Mo as he was known (short for Moshe), her parents. Going out right and left from her are my father’s parents, Stanley (who was from Canada) and Celia (whose brother I’m named for), and the short woman closest in the picture, I believe is my great-grandmother, Bubbi.

In this picture her hair looks reddish, ginger, but I honestly have no idea what her actual hair color was. I think it was brown, but I never saw it. Growing up she dyed it (what we thought of as crazy colors, but nowhere near the “crazy” of today, and she wore wigs. Wigs and headbands; they were a very popular accessory in the 70s. I know that a lot of her friends did the same with their hair.

This is one of two or three pictures that I have from their wedding day. They were married in Laurelton, NY at the Jewish Center and the reception was at my grandmother’s house. I don’t remember that chandelier, but we were at that house every weekend (and the other half of the weekend was spent at my other grandparents, my father’s parents.

Visiting my grandparents seems like yesterday; it’s hard to believe that this photograph is fifty years old.

We lead a very different life now. Our kids see their paternal grandmother once or twice a year instead of the once or twice a week that we saw ours. There were family gatherings with more extended family than my kids can imagine. We had “cousins” and I still have no idea how we’re “related”. Cousins of cousins, aunt’s siblings’ kids’ kids. We went to dinners and birthdays.Next week, we are traveling a couple of hours for my cousin’s daughter’s sweet 16, and for a few hours it will feel like thirty years ago despite the missing faces.

I am Facebook friends with my Dad’s best man’s wife.

My Mom’s favorite aunt and uncle are in their nineties, long retired to Florida, and married over seventy years.

Just last year, we celebrated my Dad’s brother’s 70th birthday. In fact, he turned 71 two days ago.

My parents would have been 77 and 72 on their next birthdays.

These are one of those bittersweet days, remembering the joy and the fun and the sadness that they aren’t here to celebrate this momentous milestone.

Mom & Dad's wedding reception - 1965

This second picture is the walk back from the wedding to my grandmother’s house for the reception. It looks like my Aunt Shirley and Uncle Carl leading the way with Bubbi and my parents, newly married pulling up the rear.

I can’t get over the hats, the cars and the eyeglasses.

It all makes me smile

.Mom & Dad's wedding Mom & Dad - my wedding - 1994This third photo is from my wedding in 1994.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.

Always together and missed everyday.

Within Thirty Minutes of Waking…

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I don’t always realize that I have a morning routine until I get a prompt like this. Or try to deviate from it.

Whatever time I wake up, whether it’s 6am or Noon (rarely that late), I always begin (and end) with my Kindle. I use it for everything, and my morning routine only proves that.

Free is good. I head straight to the Amazon Appstore and check on the Free App of the Day. It’s usually a game, but I’ve also found some great professional apps there, like Office Suite (with Word) and Informant (awesome calendar/task app).

I move on to check my social media – Facebook, Tumblr, like and reblog anything that doesn’t need thinking about, and check my email. I generally delete about sixty emails just upon waking. I really need to unsubscribe from many lists. I barely read most of these.

I read a couple of the blogs that I follow on WordPress that immediately catch my eye.

I continue using my Kindle Fire to check my bank’s app, and then balance my checkbook on Spensa.

If I’m not running late, I try to take a few minutes to read Give Us This Day – the daily saint or revered person and the reflection. I bookmark the Evening Scriptures for later. If I don’t have Mass, I read the daily mass from The Word Among Us periodical. I sometimes hold off on this until later in the day when there isn’t any rushing out of the door or errands to run.

I check my daily list and get a feel for how my day is going to go. I make sure that my daily post goes up on WordPress or that it’s ready to go.

I take notes on what other writing I’d like to do this week or add to my Editorial Calendar, which is literally a calendar book from Mead that I’ve found overwhelmingly helpful.

And that’s about it.

I take a shower and get dressed and head out to Mass three days a week. It vaguely changes on the weekend, but not really. It all depends on the family.

Sometimes it takes thirty minutes; sometimes ninety. I never know until I get through the list, but I do find that it helps get me focused on what needs to be done so I don’t forget anything important.

On occasion, I get brain fog, and I need much more rigid lists, but lists are good for me. And when all the items are checked off and not deferred to the next day, it’s a feel good like no other.

May 14th Reflection

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This campus is a dichotomy in practice. It is stone and marble and brick and lamp posts and tulips. Face one way and it’s the bustle of a city, traffic, walkers, bicycles, radios, chatter, convenience stores. Face the other way and it is green and benches and pastoral.

Today I will walk down the block to the church for Mass. This makes me happy. Shrill sirens scream behind the buildings, people chatter. I sit in partial sunlight under a big tree with rust colored leaves, comfortably, just enough sun in my eyes, warmth on my skin and a cool enough breeze that my decision to not bring a sweater is validated.

I look on at St. Rose, immortalized in stone, arms crossed, eyes closed, wondering about her. My Google list is long and she is at the top to learn about the woman for whom this campus is named for.

I close my eyes (and I hear Kansas – a by-product of a 70s childhood and A supernatural fandom), but only for a moment and the moment’s gone, but the moments here last a bit longer than a moment.

The parking is mostly good and I think about coming back here in later weeks as an inspirational place. Sit and be. Think and write.

Contentedness overlaps with excitability and the bells are ringing to announce the hour. I don’t have a ride home, and I am not worried in the least. This feeling reminds me of a similar day in Williamsburg. I haven’t reached the space of pure contentment and zero anxiety of that day, but this is very close. The winding paths and benches, the stone foundations and the brickwork, the root cellar doors and the leaves barely moving in the gentle breath of the air all remind me of Colonial Williamsburg. I thought it was the place a year ago – goodness it’s exactly a year ago to the day, isn’t it – I thought it was the pace – the childhood memories, being newlyweds, the home of my best friend but it is more than my life experiences as sitting her about five hundred miles north gives me nearly the same feels to grasp onto and gravitate towards.

It is this inner spirituality, inner peace inner light that comes on the breeze and adapts to my surroundings. The devil is in the details but really it is G-d in the details, doing without us noticing until our souls do in fact notice and feel that déjà vu to center us wherever we are.

Like right now.

And here.

Five Things I Learned About Myself Last Week

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  1. I can disagree and speak out and do it in an impassioned way without expressing disdain for the other side. I can also educate.
  2. Not only do I like the blending of faith and continued learning with writing, but I NEED it.
  3. I have more self-confidence than I thought I did.
  4. I’ve changed so much in the last two years, and I’ve also realized that I am ever evolving and the changes aren’t finished getting, like clay. I need time to breathe, like a fine wine and see where my journey has still yet to take me.
  5. I need the retreat. I need the alone, but not the isolated. I need to let the me be free, more free than I’ve let myself be before. I have much to offer.