Prompt – Joy

Standard

This was supposed to be posted on Friday, but with Prince’s unexpected death and the beginning of Passover, I delayed it until this morning. Future prompts will appear on Fridays.

Now that my writing class has started up again, I’m going to share our prompts with you and hopefully encourage you to do your own free writes. Remember that free writes are ten to fifteen minutes of stream of consciousness writing related to the prompt. I sometimes call it spewing. We all have our words for things.

The class is six weeks, but with homework this prompt exercise should go on for about twelve weeks.

Share your writings by linking them in the comments.

Our theme for these next few weeks is Emotions.

Today’s prompt begins with Joy.

Have fun!

50-4 – Kitchen Zest

Standard

In recent months and recenter days my monthly writing workshop has given prompts that refer to the kitchen. Well, let me correct that. The November prompt was about the kitchen and how it was different and/or similar to the one we had growing up. The March prompt was zest, which I took to mean the kitchen item, so for me the two prompts were about the kitchen. By way of this introduction, I hope that I succeed in blending the two into a competent essay (is there another word for essay – that sounds very middle school-y. Also article makes it sound dull and informative. Everything around me speaks to my writing, my words and the use of them. Including this whatever it is about kitchens.)

My kitchen growing up was already pretty modern albeit with the avocado and mustard colors of the seventies. I. understand that these are coming back in a retro look. One word: why? Lord, please no. Not that my current black and white cow kitchen is all that special, but seriously, just no.

In our house, we complained constantly about loading and emptying the dishwasher. We don’t have a dishwasher. I would love a dishwasher even if my husband does do most of the dishes.

My parents always had a coffee maker. My Dad drank coffee every day, throughout the day. He would often make a full pot as if company were coming and still go out to the local deli for a Styrofoam cup there too. In my house now, we only recently got a coffee maker because my son asked for it as a Christmas present for his father with the half wink that he wouldn’t mind using it as well. I know for a fact that if I was a coffee drinker we’d have one of those machines that does everything from grinding the beans to foaming the milk. I’m a tea drinker. The most complicated device for making my tea is the loose tea strainer that must be emptied and rinsed. It is the only thing I wash immediately upon finishing its use.

In my parents’ house, we had a clear glass pot. It must have had a lid at some point, but I never remember it. We never had a kettle. This was the pot we’d boil water in for tea or hot chocolate. More often than not, I’d boil eggs for my father for him to enjoy hard-boiled eggs. Ironically that along with not drinking coffee, hard-boiled eggs repulse me. My grandmother had one of those metal percolators. To me that will always be the three-dimensional puzzle that I played with on her kitchen floor. Fitting all the pieces together in the right way was how I spent much of my toddlerhood and preschool life.

Our kitchen looks modern with an electric stove and a microwave that is twenty-one years old, but doesn’t look a day over ten. Our counters are Formica or some other kind of plastic, very similar to my family’s old kitchen table. The sink leaks although we’ve changed out the faucet and now it’s much better. The fridge is a testament to American craftsmanship, and hopefully will continue on until we have the money to replace it, millions of years in the future.

The one thing my kitchen has that my house didn’t is a window over the sink that looks out over the backyard. I actually enjoy doing the dishes if I can look out of a window to the world outside. Depression killed that small pleasure.

My mother had a toaster and a toaster oven. We have both in one appliance. It was a gift from my brother and it is probably the most useful thing that we have in our kitchen. Also the most used.

I have about a thousand spices more than my mother’s kitchen. She had four – black pepper, garlic powder, paprika, and onion powder. Salt didn’t count as a spice but she had that as well. Morton’s, of course. When I was married and moved into my first apartment, my mother gave us a container of Morton’s salt (it’s a Jewish tradition to give bread and salt for a new house, although I’m sure it’s not limited to only that culture). We had that same original container of salt when we moved, had our first child and moved again.  My spices come from Penzeys or the Spanish section in my local supermarket. My friend also sent me spice samples from California – one month Indian, one Asian, one Hispanic, and soon I was hooked into playing around in the kitchen with a variety of tastes and flavors, mixing cultures and flavors and loving it.

My mother was not much of a cook. She had one or two things that she did and she did them really well. The smell of meatloaf baking or a roast beef just come out of the oven take me back to the couple of the things my family actually cooked. My mother made roasts all the time – regular roast beef from an eye round or top round, and pot roast in a Ziploc oven bag from a bottom round. I was the meatball and meatloaf maker and mixer. My Dad loved it and so it was my job to make it every couple of weeks. My kids finally like the meatloaf, so it will become a staple in our kitchen again. Instead of ketchup, try it with some HP Sauce. Check the international aisle – it’s from Great Britain and it’s fantastic.

For a long time during my childhood, my grandmother (or her sister, my aunt) lived with us, practically the whole time, so she did all the cooking since my parents both worked. Nothing really stands out which is sad. I’m sure she must have made some good meals. What’s really sad is that I would probably remember them more if they were terrible. After she went into a nursing home, it fell to my parents. I was often asked by my father to make those meatballs or a meatloaf or even to boil the eggs for him. We never ate chicken unless it was fried chicken from a take-out place. Best. Fried. Chicken. Ever. My mother had a real aversion to raw chicken.

When I got married and started cooking real food, I cooked everything. I called it “from scratch” but I didn’t bake bread or mix my own icing or anything like that. I’d buy the boneless chicken, put a sauce on it, bake it and make the rice and some kind of frozen vegetable boiled on the stove top. At least I stopped eating canned except for green bean casserole or what cans we get generously from the church. I actually never used my microwave except as a timer that first year and probably not even until after my son was born. As I mentioned above, we still use that same microwave today. Popcorn, leftovers, frozen burritos.

The reason I’m reminded of this is that simple word, the prompt – zest. I had no idea what it was, what it meant. There was a soap called Zest; somewhat reminiscent or similar to Irish Spring, but putting that in an ingredient for cake didn’t make much sense at all. Even to a novice in the kitchen like me.

Having quite the Tupperware collection, I definitely had a zester; it was one of those freebies you got for attending a party or playing a game. I still didn’t know what it did.

Was the zest the same as the rind? What was the rind anyway? Do you mean the skin off the lemon? Orange? Limes? People use limes?Why? Do they mean the part that gets peeled off and thrown away? The garbage? You want to put the garbage in the cake or the pie or the syrup? I just don’t understand.

And I wouldn’t for many years. If it called for zest or rind, I left it out or added a tiny bit more extra juice – same thing, right?

Finally, a close friend took pity on me. He taught me how to bake bread over the phone. Caramel, too. And how to zest an orange. Or a lemon. It’s pretty much universal, I think. He is why I have a small jar of dried orange peels in my refrigerator at this very moment.

I still don’t understand what difference it makes.

All I know is that my children will never know this intellectual emptiness of wondering and being embarrassed with their lack of zesty intelligentsia. Fortunately for them, when I’m cooking or baking or experimenting in the kitchen I have my trusty tablet, one screen opened to my cookbook, one opened to the Google home page for any questions that might arise. like that loaf of fresh bread under the tea towel. Why they’re called tea towels is another mystery to my pre-cooking self; one that will undoubtedly be rehashed here in future days.

A First Day of School Reflection

Standard

This morning at Mass, our priest spoke during his homily about the nativity of the Holy Mother, which is today. Would that be Marymas? One of the things that he mentioned is that in the today’s readings and Gospel, instead of talking much about Mary’s birth that we are commemorating today, it’s all about Jesus. It’s about how she’ll be bringing the Christ child, the Lord, Jesus into the earthly world that she, and we, live in.

That struck a chord with me as I sat down this morning to write about the first day of school. I thought I was going to write a few hundred words about my feelings on returning home to an empty house; the quiet, the little sounds in the basement of the furnace that I can hear so clearly now that the television is off and the summer screeching has stopped. I thought it would be lonely, but would still give me that renewal that I tend to get in the fall when everything starts up again.

It was supposed to be about me; my coping with what to do for the full days, getting re-organized, and catching up on the summertime neglected me.

Instead, like Mary’s birthday, it’s all about the kids.

And today’s that day. The first day of school in our neck of the woods has finally arrived. From what I’ve seen, we’re one of the last regions to return for the fall session. My nieces went back last week, my nephews the week before that. My Colorado friends even started in mid-August.

Here and now, though today’s our day.

Last week, my middle son went to middle school orientation; my oldest went to college orientation and attended his first day of classes.

My little girl got on the bus alone for the first time this morning, mere hours ago. No big brothers to lead the way; not that she needs any more independence. Yesterday’s argument was if your lip balm is colored it is still lipstick and you’re not allowed to wear it. Because; that’s why.

They’ve all had their moments when the toddler disappeared even if for only one day. It’s a long transition for everyone; two steps forward, one step back.

One day my baby is cuddling in bed and the next she’s painting her toenails. I don’t want to let her grow up. She screams like a banshee, in happy times and angry, but she’s barely above a whisper when my priest says hello to her.

My oldest seems to have crossed the threshold from confused to his family standing to a comfortable big brother. He’s asked for help and advice more times in the last two weeks than in the last two years. He’s reached that trusting place where we’re becoming friends; kind of. He’s eighteen, he drives his own car, he’s a firefighter, he’s in college. He runs errands and cooks dinner. He babysits, which means if he can’t hear them and they don’t blow up the house, it’s all good. He waggles his eyebrows and smirks when he’s trying not to laugh.

About a month ago, my husband tried to clean his room. My son got angry and yelled at him, “Don’t! Leave me alone!” He forgot to pause between ‘don’t’ and ‘leave’ and so it came out, “Don’t leave me alone!” I was in another room laughing and even child#1/adult#3 couldn’t help but laugh. He also forfeited a hug. Much like the one he gave us this morning as he left on his second day of college classes.

My middle guy loves Lego and Minecraft, Star Wars and Batman. He is the curator of my husband’s comic book collection and the comic shop clerks know who to talk to about delays or up and coming specials. He’s very organized and doesn’t like change. He needs timely warnings to prepare him for weekend adventures. Don’t ever tell him something will take five minutes if it will take six. He doesn’t mind waiting if he knows how long the wait will be; exactly how long the wait will be.

It’s taken almost eleven years for him to barely get used to the fact that we do not eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner on the weekends. Sometimes it’s barely one real meal. This used to take a change in our expressions and a visit to my lap for a hug and whispered explanation. If I want something done properly, however, he’s my man.

#3 is the girliest girl to ever girl. She loves pink and lace, tights and leggings, hats and fancy shoes. She polishes her nails and designs her clothes. She sings and dances, takes care of her babies, and does her hair about about ten times a day. She wants long locks like Rapunzel. She was enamored when I showed her a picture of Crystal Gayle. She works that messy ponytail so well that she puts Scarlett Johanssen and Kristen Stewart to shame. And her feet and hands are the dirtiest I’ve ever seen on anyone. She wears that lacy pink dress and climbs trees. She kicks off her flip-flops to go kick a soccer ball across the yard. She’s got the personality of an entire theatre troupe. She’s a special one.

They’re all special in their own ways and watching them grow into themselves is a double edged sword of privilege and pain.

They are more than my legacy; they are their own. Picking and choosing from their parents and grandparents, their friends and television friends.

They’re becoming.

As they watch their mom, me, in the last few years, converting to Catholicism, finding my way as a Christian and as a writer, adopting compassion, speaking out on all manner of things, and having fun at my “advanced age” I hope they see that their becoming never ends. It grows; it ebbs and flows, it continues and the path darkens and forks, but we are always changing, and whatever path we start on, there are many detours and many opportunities to change our path if the one we’re on doesn’t work out the first time.

The most important thing I hope I’ve taught them is that their lives are not etched in stone, but in sand. One swipe of their palm, one grabbing up of a stick or use of their finger and they are able to draw a new future. Tear the page and throw it in the fire. And most importantly, be you.

Who you may be, become you, my babies.

Tasty Tuesday. Peanuts

Standard

My Dad used to eat peanuts all the time. He’d get this big bag of peanuts still in their shells. He’d crack them open and go through that bag in one or two days. He’d toss the shells in a paper garbage bag next to his chair, but on occasion he’d miss. Some days before he cleaned it up it looked like the floor of a country bar or a Ground Round in the “old” days of my childhood. I still flashback to my Dad sitting in his blue recliner in our den when I see those big bags of peanuts in the shells.

I used to love Nutter Butter cookies because of him also. And Vienna Fingers. It’s amazing what pops into your head from childhood, especially where food is related.

Honoring Them

Standard

This began as my memoir workshop homework. It was my third attempt, but it seems as though the third time’s the charm. Our prompt was Uniform. I really had such a hard time, but then I realized that this past week had been unusually full of men in uniform, beginning seven days ago with Beau Biden.

Beau Biden is the son of the Vice President, and I’ve followed his family since my infant days as a political junkie. Joe Biden, then Senator wasn’t from my state, but I knew his name. He spoke his mind. Often. He was almost just as often ridiculed for it and mocked at his many slips – being honest has that effect – sometimes you put your foot in your mouth, and Joe Biden was kind of an expert at that, at least where the media was concerned. I still liked him. He said what he thought and he stood by that.

I found out later that between being elected (youngest in fact) and Christmas, his family was in a devastating car accident. They were hit by a tractor trailer, and his wife and daughter died. His two boys, Beau and Hunter were seriously injured. In fact, Joe took his oath of office in their hospital room.

He was a single father traveling between Washington and Wilmington daily so he could put his kids to bed and be there when they woke up. This was the example the Beau (and his brother) saw growing up.

When Beau Biden was Attorney General of Delaware he took a leave when his National Guard unit was called up to active duty for a tour in Iraq. Tour. They make it sound so pleasant, don’t they?

There’s a picture of when he returned of he and his father facing each other, standing eye to eye, and I get emotional every time I see it from that first moment. Beau is standing tall, military straight-backed as he looks at his father the Vice President with respect and his father looking at him with that same respect but the added pride of a father knowing that his son has done good. It’s hard to imagine that much emotion coming from a still picture.

He introduced me, through his work to the Darkness to Light Foundation which empowers people to prevent child sexual abuse.

He was 46, and the word was that he intended to run for governor of Delaware in 2016. He probably would have won; he was a fine man, a good and decent man. He would have made an excellent President one day.

Sadly, he died one week ago after his brain cancer recurred. Today was his funeral, a full military funeral. He had been ill for several weeks, but like his whole family, this was kept quiet from the media.His family was there with him, and he leaves behind a young family – a wife, and two children, ages 11 and 9, the ages of my two youngest kids.

As President Obama eulogized him, he called him a “consummate public servant.” That is a summation that I’m sure Beau would appreciate.

His family has asked in lieu of flowers that donations be made to The Beau Biden Foundation for the Protection of Children.

I could end this here, and it would be enough, but Beau Biden wasn’t the only Army serviceman in the news this week.

Later in the week, we had a 180 degree turn from our sadness for and with the Biden family. On Tuesday, men in uniform were uplifted to places of honor after being ignored for nearly one hundred years. Sgt. William Shemin, a Jewish serviceman from Syracuse, NY and Pvt. Henry Johnson, African-American from Albany, NY were posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor from President Obama. Both enlisted during World War I; both fought in France. Henry Johnson’s unit was assigned to the French government because white soldiers wouldn’t work alongside Black troops, even though they were all Americans.

Both continued fighting after they were wounded. Sgt. Shemin took command after all of the commanders and non-commissioned officers became casualties. Pvt. Johnson took on 20 Germans. The French government awarded him the Croix de Guerre, the first American to receive that with star and Gold Palm. He died in 1929 with no recognition from his own government. Finally, ,in 1996 and 2003, respectively, he was awarded the Purple Heart and the Distinguished Service Cross. His son, Herman was a Tuskegee Airman, and received the Distinguished Cross for his father.

His Medal of Honor was presented on Tuesday to a member of the New York National Guard while Sgt. Shemin’s was presented to his daughters, age 83 and 86.

Today we continue to talk about our troops, cheer at parades, offer a military discount here or there, but many of our troops come back broken, some in ways that can’t be seen, and they are fighting tooth and nail to get their needs taken care of, almost as much as they fought the enemy in the combat theatre.

They are not a group that tends to complain. They wait, but they are misdiagnosed and discharged from service with no resources or support for housing, food, or health care. Men (and women) with PTSD remain on waiting lists for therapy and service animals. They are directed to private organizations that cost money and have even longer waiting lists. They will forever be burdened with what they endured in combat. Flashbacks and nightmares are only the tip of a very large iceberg. Many of their families live in poverty, houses foreclosed on. Many are homeless. Many commit suicide. They need, and should be given as much support as they gave their country when it called them. Giving so much, they should not be on anybody’s waiting list.

Memoir

Standard

My weekly memoir workshop began yesterday. Eight weeks of free writes, homework prompts, feedback, new ideas, community, camaraderie, and so much more. I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks and our first class went beyond expectation.

For me this workshop is more than practice and writing. I joined this long standing group as newcomer back in 2012. I stumbled upon the notice at the library and I immediately signed up. I don’t even remember what I was doing at the library in the first place.

I had just been diagnosed with severe depression. In addition to that blindsiding me, there was anxiety creeping ever higher on the hit parade, and suicidal thoughts dominating many of my thoughts then. I needed distractions or at least motivation to continue on.

I had started attending talk therapy and went through a series of anti-depressants that took a bit to find the right combination. I lost two important supports, but found others. The only thing getting me out of bed in the morning was my newfound ritual – church, church, church, talk therapy for my depression, physical therapy for my knee, get through the weekend and start again.

This writing workshop was my lifeline.

One of the things I’ve learned in the ensuing three years is that there is no such thing as too much learning, too much information. When I talked about taking a memoir class people were surprised that I was writing my memoirs.

Of course I wasn’t. What in the world did I have to write about? I was nobody. But one of the other things I learned is that we’re all nobodies until we’re not. We all have our stories and they are each amazing in the scope of our families, of ourselves and in the overarching narrative of so many people in this country (and every other) who we pass on the street daily and read about in the history books.

The second thing I learned is that prompts are prompts. This class is focused on memoir, but memoir can be a jumping point to all other kinds of writing: fiction, history, picture books, cooking, travel, and more. And other writing topics are a springboard to all the other fields. I’ve recently taken a travel writing class that only supported the idea that all writing is related. The memoir class sparked everything and had made me a better blogger; taught me to find my focus and follow it. The travel class, as short as it was, gave me the impetus to take something on the sidelines for over five years and start it in a proper way that might be a magazine piece or a book. Either way, it will be something.

This class is still my lifeline even though my life is in a much better place than when I began. I’m thankful to say that while I’m still searching for myself, the suicidal tendencies have been tamped down. The class continues to be freeing and centering and only maintains all the ways I want to be and all the things I want to write and it lets me go anywhere. Whether a fictional ghost hunter or a memoir of my spiritual journey or a travel book of Wales, it is all there.

Our class theme this session is threads. Like the stuff theme before it, it sounds so little, so unobtrusive, but like the loose thread in a carpet that can unwind the whole thing, it can also reveal so much. From the bare floor to beneath the floor boards, children playing, dishes clattering, dogs scraping and scratching the wood. Is it a memory? Is it a fictional detective taking it all in tracking a killer, finding something else? Is it the floorboards of Thomas Jefferson’s first house?

Who knows?

But it’s all there for the finding, including finding yourself, a journey that never ends.

Reading is….

Standard

Reading is fundamental. When I was growing up in the 70s this was more than a sentiment, it was a movement with suggestions and ideas and a non-profit. After food and a warm place to sleep this was what babies enjoyed most: the soothing sounds of their parents’ voices reading them stories. Our entire lives are made up of stories from fairy tales to our own origin stories. From princesses to cowboys, planes to trains and everything in between we have our stories.

The very first class I took for my Master’s degree was Children’s Literature. Not only seeing what was out there, but how to use it in the classroom. This was coupled with a new concept in the 80s which I adopted for the rest of my life: whole language. Whole language was the teaching of reading through actual reading rather than a focus on phonics. Phonics have their place for some learners, but what better way than using context and the whole language to learn how to read. From the moment I heard it, it made sense and it has never left me.

Three of the other things that I learned in reading classes for my teaching degree:

  1. Children’s literature encompasses much more than See Dick Run.
  2. Children’s brains and eyes are not ready to read proficiently on their own until they are seven years old, so stop forcing kindergarteners to pick up books and read them to you. Age-appropriate always.
  3. If you can read, you can do anything.

I can remember getting lost in the worlds of Winnie-the-Pooh and Cranberry Thanksgiving, one of my favorite books as a child. It is probably one of the main reasons I love Thanksgiving and it is my favorite holiday. I still have it somewhere. I put myself on the subway with Sarah and John in The Magic Tunnel, a book which still sits on my bookshelf. Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys were also favorites of mine. For my son it’s the Wimpy Kid books and the Zombie Chasers. For my daughter it’s Monsters High.

Whatever the favorites are, the reading is pure joy.

Here are a few of my favorites from these genres:

Sci-fi/Fantasy

Sci-fi/Fantasy is wonderful because it can be set anywhere from back in time and time travel to the future and spaceships. You can be in outer space on another planet or on a spaceship traveling the stars. You can be with the dinosaurs while also using ray guns and modern to us equipment or you can be in a magic land of Harry Potter-esque wizardry or Hunger Games dystopia. You can play what if Lincoln had lived or what if Jefferson hadn’t written the Declaration of Independence. The possibilities are endless.

  1. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. You can also find Adams’ perfect cup of tea
  2. Harry Potter series by JK Rowling
  3. Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
  4. Bellwether by Connie Willis (and most of her books. After this I read To Say Nothing of the Dog.)
  5. Neil Gaiman
  6. Stephen Donaldson

Biography/Autobiography/Memoir

I’ve been on a biography/memoir kick lately. My top five of recent reads are:

  1. Life’s That Way by Jim Beaver
  2. I Am What I Am by John Barrowman with Carole Barrowman (memoir)
  3. http://nphbook.com/Neil Patrick Harris: Choose Your Own Autobiography
  4. My Beloved by Sonia Sotomayor
  5. As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales From the Making of The Princess Bride by Cary Elwes with Joe Layden

Religious and Spiritual

This is a genre that I have found more recently. As a child attending Workman Circle Schools I knew all of the Bible stories and loved to read and re-read from our set of four Jewish History books, three of which I still have. It was a wonderful time in my life and fostered and encouraged both a love of my religion and of history.

More recently as I have journeyed on my conversion to Catholicism, I have read numerous books and booklets, periodicals and devotionals, some better than others, some outstanding. Here are my top four:

  1. Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth by Reza Aslan
  2. Jesus: A Pilgrimage by James Martin, SJ (I also highly recommend this e-book retreat, Together on Retreat (Enhanced Edition): Meeting Jesus in Prayer.)
  3. Under the Tamarind Tree: A Secret Journey into Our Souls: Inspirational Quotes About Life, A reminder of the Inner Magic by John Harricharan
  4. The Little Books Series. I’ve read The Little White Book for Easter, The Little Blue Book for Advent and I am currently reading The Little Black Book for Lent.

A few others to enjoy:

  1. A History of the World in 6 Glasses by Tom Standage (history)
  2. On Writing by Stephen King (writing)
  3. Devil in the Grove: Thurgood Marshall, the Groveland Boys, and the Dawning of a New America by Gilbert King (history, won the Pulitzer)
  4. A Writer’s House in Wales by Jan Morris (travel, Wales)
  5. The Truth and Legend of Lily Martindale by Mary Sanders Shartle (historical fiction, North Country, NY)
  6. Sex on the Moon by Ben Mezrich (memoir)
  7. How the Scots Invented the Modern World by Arthur Herman (history)
  8. Untied: A Memoir of Family, Fame, and Floundering by Meredith Baxter
  9. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future: Twists and Turns and Lessons Learned by Michael J. Foxhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_J._Fox.

Also, Lucky Man, also by Michael J. Fox

  1. Eighty Days: Nellie Bly and Elizabeth Bisland’s History-Making Race Around the World by Matthew Goodman (history)

Blogging 101 – Assign 4 – Words in Space (Etheree Poetry)

Standard

Blogging 101 Assign 4: Write for your Dream Reader and use a different style.

I am in a writing workshop that meets once a month and this month’s topic is to write a poem in the Etheree style. It’s a series of syllables (1-10, then 10-1). Visually, if centered I think it forms a diamond; left alignment forms half a diamond.

I’ve been hearing and writing about quiet spaces and I thought that was a good place to start this new project.

I’ve titled it

Words in Space:

Space

Quiet

Quiet space

Belonging space

A page from a book

A solitary bench

Quiet in a noisy space

Can noisy spaces be quiet?

Thoughts in the quiet, thoughts making words

The pen scrapes the paper, the ink flows red

The blank space of the page is blank no more

Outside the writing can be quiet

Inside is raging and spinning

Words spewing out going fast

The mind is too fast for

The pen to keep up

Words are rushing

The quiet

Away

Now


Space

Quiet

Quiet space

Belonging space

A page from a book

A solitary bench

Quiet in a noisy space

Can noisy spaces be quiet?

Thoughts in the quiet, thoughts making words

The pen scrapes the paper, the ink flows red

The blank space of the page is blank no more

Outside the writing can be quiet

Inside is raging and spinning

Words spewing out going fast

The mind is too fast for

The pen to keep up

Words are rushing

The quiet

Away

Now

Death’s Door

Standard

I’m not a huge fan of death; never have been. Whenever I think of death, I think of my uncle Nathan. His was an open casket, and the only memories I have of him were of cigar smoke and that moment of seeing him in the coffin. I cringed at every funeral after that as a child and well into my adulthood.

I would say that while this is a memory from me as a young child, the two that stand out more abruptly are of both of my grandfathers. They both died when I was five or near about. My first grandfather, my dad’s father was from Canada, and I remember his family there more than I remember him.

The most enduring memory I have is standing in the hospital parking lot looking up to the roof where my grandfather stood. He was wearing a grey bathrobe and I think my grandmother stood next to him. He waved to me and possibly my brother, and we waved back. Well, I waved back because my brother would only have been one or so. I think my father stood with us in the parking lot.

This was 1970 or 1971 and children weren’t allowed in the hospital. It’s kind of like that now, but when my dad was in the hospital, we used to sneak my son in to see him and the nurses would ignore him just so long as he could get past the security guard.

We never would have thought to sneak in back then.

I remember this grandfather from photographs that blend into memory. There is me in a stroller wearing bunny ears, holding a Kodak film box, the recognizable yellow box of the Eastman Company. We are on a street in the Bronx outside of an apartment building. I don’t think this is their apartment building, but nearby there is an asphalt park surrounded by a chain link fence where the older boys played basketball and the girls jumped double-dutch. It was a noisy street with cars driving by, their engines noisy and their horns loud, interspersed with the bouncing of the basketball off the backboard and the handball off of the wall that divided the spaces.

My other grandfather, my Mother’s father died either later that year or early the next year. It was within months of each other. In fact, my grandfathers died within a year and my grandmothers did the same although they waited for many years after that. My parents also died within eighteen months of each other.

The only memory I have of this grandfather was his balding head, sitting with his back to the doorway at the kitchen table eating his dinner when he’d come home late from work. I’m not sure what we would have been doing there so late, but it is the one picture of him in my mind that is consistent.

My mother says that it isn’t true, but I have vivid memories of his death. He had a heart attack in the house, and I remember him lying on the carpet and the paramedics coming in with the stretcher from the ambulance. I would swear that I was there, and my mother would swear I was not, so I don’t know if this is an actual memory that she’s always tried to protect me from or if it is one of those planted memories from other people’s overheard conversations.

He did have a heart attack and died in the house and there are other details that it would seem strange for others to talk about around me, but I don’t know.

These are the three that still stand out to me as an adult, and form my ever fearful phobia of death and dying, although I have mellowed out in the abstract of faith and adulthood. I still occasionally have a recurrence of a childhood dream that I’ve often had of nothingness. If you can’t imagine it, it can’t be explained, but it is the abyss of nothing and it is palpable. It is the dark staring back at you and as much as I try to be calm and rational, the noiseless void can be too much to bear. All I can do is wait for it to pass, and it usually does.

Basement Refuge

Standard

Prompt – Was there a place you liked to sit and hide when you were a child?

 

My basement was my refuge. We had half of a green velvet couch down there tucked against the paneled box where the oil tank lived, so generally it was a warm, cozy place. It had one arm rest. It must have been a sectional sofa when it was in my grandparents’ apartment and I do vividly remember it there too. The arm faced the television on one of those wheeled stands complete with its rabbit ears and an Atari console. I remember lying down on it, my legs thrown over the arm, my head uncomfortably angled to watch the baseball game. I don’t recall if those years were as a Mets fan or a Yankees fan, Doug Flynn or Bucky Dent and I even spent a season as a Red Sox fan for Carl Yastrzemski. I think at this time Phil Rizzuto was a sportscaster and I thought watching the games so intently made me qualified to play one day despite my handicapping non-athleticism.

Also in the basement was a colloquial bar with many, many bottles of liquor: Johnny Walker, Chivas Regal, Dewar, others. It was very common to receive a bottle as a gift, not me, I was 11 or 12, but my parents even though they didn’t drink. I was, however allowed to bring one bottle to college if I remember correctly. The bottles were lined up nicely on the shelf and behind the bar counter was space for glasses and ice buckets. It even had its own light and switch.

On top of the bar was kept the stereo. Very large, very boxy with a clear plexiglass or plastic cover, it took up a third of the bar. Two large speakers stood on either side of it, although my huge headphones were usually plugged in. Here, I was a Beatle singing along to a box set long since warped in a basement flood. I sang loudly and of course, beautifully. They were all still alive and so in 1978 and ’79 there was that small chance that they would reunite. I think we still had an intense dislike for Yoko Ono although that somewhat mellowed after John died.

No one bothered me down there and I liked it like that. It was always my turn to choose the television programs and no one was ever in my seat.