2014

My Week in Recap

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Last Friday at this time, I had just crawled into bed and except for a brief trip to church stayed there until Tuesday.

Apparently, I had some kind of flu. Honestly, I was happy not to have the chest cold and congestion, but pleasant it was not.

In the meantime, each person in the house contracted some version of the sick, all with different symptoms. Luckily, my husband was well enough to take care of the kids and me.

Gave godparent contact info to my RCIA leader (M). I need to begin saints research, although I have ideas.

My first church friend died. The funeral was Wednesday. I’m sure I will write more about this as I gather my thoughts properly.

The viewing on Tuesday was more triggering than I would have expected.

Lecture on Blessed Pope John Paul II was very good but also triggering. I think they were talking about death and it set off bells for me that I’ve never been able to deal with. That on top of the viewing made for a bad night. I even had to pull the car over and cry. Too much emotion for one night.

The end of the week brought a worrisome phone call, a multi-friend crisis, the beginning of a money crisis, the postponement of my daughter’s birthday party and tomorrow brings a trip out of town that hopefully will be much better than the rest of this as we see many of our family.

I also got a wedding invitation today for a wedding that took place on the 2nd. I already knew the date and the bride & groom knew I couldn’t come but they sent this out on Dec. 30th; I’m truly surprised it took so long!
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Pain Brings the Snow

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Or is it snow that brings the pain?

I had the most severe back pain last night. I could barely move. In fact, I had to take two Tylenol just to get to sleep for a couple of hours.

I haven’t had pain like that since I was pregnant with my second child.

Actually, I don’t typically get back pain. Oh yes, the little spasms here and there from overdoing something or falling asleep in the chair at the wrong angle. I refuse to ascribe anything to “at my age” and even when I’m 80, that phrase will still be more appropriate for someone twenty years older than I am at that moment.

After all, I’ve been told that the reason I had hearing loss was age.

I was 23. (It wasn’t how long I’d been on the Earth; it was how long I was in front of the speakers at a Stray Cats concert in high school. My ears still ring.)

I’ve been really good about no soda for breakfast, however… No tea this morning. It won’t make me feel better. Tea is comfort, and soothing and quiet and calm. I have an appointment I can’t cancel and it’s snowing. I don’t need calm; I need courage.

Tomorrow it’s going to be so warm there’s a chance of flash flooding. Today it’s snowing. Light and fluffy, but I think that’s just to lull you into a false sense of security until the drifts swallow you up.

RCIA (Mary-Mother of G-d), possible phone call depending on schedules, editing, Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall, plan visit to uncle, plan daughter’s bday party. $5 pizza for dinner.

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2013 in Review – 2014 in Preview

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2013 Year in Review

Most years are a mix of good and bad and 2013 was no exception.

I didn’t accomplish all of my goals, and while that was my lack of focus there were also extenuating circumstances. For the most part, my depression and anxiety were under control and when they weren’t I usually had the presence of mind to remove myself from the situation or recognize enough to grab my phone and sort it out with my friends.

Our biggest ‘bad’ was in June; my mother in law was hit by a car. We weren’t sure she was going to make it, but she made remarkable progress and was released from the hospital the week before Thanksgiving.

During our visit in the summer, I was triggered by the nursing/rehab facility. It was very unexpected for me. Things bother me but never to the extent of triggering in this way. Because of the circumstances I couldn’t talk to my husband about what was going on with my reactions, but I was very lucky that I had friends visiting NYC (which is close to my MIL’s town) and I was able to take a quick (ish) train ride into Manhattan and spend about twelve hours with people who were able to distract me enough and talk enough and hug enough to put the trigger reactions aside for the rest of our visit.

We also put our finances in the ‘bad’ column, but I won’t get into details of that here. That is one of the subjects that I will be talking about in January as part of my writing.

Speaking of writing, I actually did quite a bit of it in 2013. I didn’t expect to take any trips and planned out physical retreats as well as online retreats. I didn’t do as well as I would have liked, but that just gives me something to work on in 2014. It wasn’t disappointing enough to knock me down and discourage me, but it wasn’t good enough and that might be enough of a motivating factor.

I made two writing retreats for myself. I’d put the kids on the bus, go to Mass, and then disappear until 3:30 or so. I also included an online retreat from Days of Deepening Friendship, a website that includes writing and faith. In December they had an Advent Retreat. I didn’t do as much for this as I would have liked, but I did follow the Thursday topics and made lists rather than write prose.

December winded up being so busy that I wrote 0 words, but more than made up for that in November.

I started keeping track in May, and for 2013, I had a total word count of 171,920. The topics I wrote about included: Fandom – Harry Potter, Daydverse, Supernatural, the actors, some Fan Fic, two Memoir workshops, Money, religious/spiritual, travel, random prompts, tea, politics, mental health as well as writing a lot about the summer of Misha – GISHWHES, Random Acts and Endure4Kindness (an eleven hour writing marathon for charity).

Not including December which I’ve said was 0 words, my lowest month was October (2397) and my largest month was November (16, 777).

I’ve talked a lot about attending Catholic Mass, and that continued throughout 2013. I enjoyed (and still do) attending Mass and seeing how the readings helped and spoke to my daily life. I am still sometimes amazed that something written so long ago and the passages chosen by someone a couple of years ago to be read are still so relevant to specific things in my life.

I have been attending the RCIA (Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults) to receive my sacraments at Easter and become a member of the Catholic Church. I’m excited by this and I really like learning the history and the rituals. What I’ve found most interesting is that everything I’m hearing and learning validates things I’ve always thought about the spiritual world my whole life. It tells me that this is the path I’m supposed to be on because it’s always been in my head; I just didn’t know what it meant.

Fandom events included the season finale (season 8) and the season premiere (season 9) of Supernatural, the 50th Anniversary Special of Doctor Who as well as the Christmas special with the regeneration and introduction to new Doctor, Peter Capaldi. (Really looking forward to Easter!)

I took two trips to Virginia (one by train which I’d love to repeat), thanks to my best friend and met some really awesome people who will be in my life forever.

As family, we took two trips to visit our family (in the summer and Thanksgiving) and my sister-in-law came to see us for a couple of hours during the Christmas holiday.

As I said, it was the summer of Misha (Collins) – GISHWHES, Random Actopolypse, then Endure4Kindness in November. I have grown very fond of Random Acts as a charitable organization, and all of my ‘extra’ change either went to them or to my church.

I anticipate repeating much of these activities in the next year, especially the new traditions of writing retreats and Random Acts activities.

 

And now, for 2014! What will my focus be on in 2014? How will I be motivated for the next year?

You may have seen some of this in my daily 365 posts, so I do apologize for anything that’s redundant.

In 2013, I had three New Years and I’ve just begun this one. Half of you just went, Three?!

  1. Jan. 1, 2013
  2. Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year
  3. Advent, Dec. 1, 2013 – the start of the Liturgical Calendar

I’ve always made my resolutions for Rosh Hashanah. There is a built in assessment at the end of December, and then I can reassess and add or subtract goals based on what’s been working and what else I want to try out.

The only thing that seemed to work this year, though, was November. Random Acts’ E4K (Endure 4 Kindness) set me up to succeed and my writing workshops reinforced it, but before and after I kind of floundered.

I’m hoping to do better this year (and I think I’m off to a pretty good start). If we’ve nothing to strive for, what is even the point? No one is perfect, least of all me, there is always one more goal to meet, one more goal to set as long as the world goes round and round.

One of the central themes of my life this past year has been Mental Health issues. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in 2012 and it took nearly all of that year to get the medicine right and become more in recovery and less floundering like a fish on the dock. 2013 was a better year for paying attention to relapses, to successes, to triggers and to coping and I did a lot of talking about it. I found that I could give advice when asked and I could even take some, so that will be one of my writing subjects for 2014.

The second will be Religion and Spirituality and how mind has evolved and changed, how it’s helped me and given me new insights, not only to myself, but to foreign things I thought as a child and young adult that now make more sense with this new context.
Third, finances. Advice, bankruptcy, home buying, not sure where this will go. I’ve tried to write about the disaster that is our home buying experience at least a dozen times, but every time I do, I break down in tears. Maybe this is the year I get through it, at least a first draft of it.

Of course, I’ll throw in parenting and fandom and travel because at heart I’m a babbler, so let’s see where 2014 will bring will bring us and my writing.

Happy New Year.

 

Self-Reassurance. Maybe.

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I’ve spent most of today off of the computer. Even if I’m writing, I’d still stop and check tumblr and Facebook.

Still cleaning up papers, making plans in my notebook. I even set up an accountability log – never doing this is always so discouraging when I want to check how I’ve been doing.

I’m still upbeat even though worried about friends. I know they’re doing well and they know how to find me if they need me (not p-a at all – more in line with reassuring myself that I’m valued and silence doesn’t mean rejection – now if I can only remember this when I’m not upbeat.)

I finished series 1 of Sherlock. Really enjoyed it. I’ll start series 2 tomorrow as a reward if I do the 2 writing assignments I’ve given myself.

Tonight is watching Green Lantern with the family and getting back to my book.

Sherlock and Stewardesses

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I’m looking at yesterday’s 365 post and I’m postponing the dusting. This morning’s chores took longer than I thought they would. First, it’s freezing. Unbelievably freezing. I went to Mass, got the few pics printed at CVS for my journal, got some groceries and cupcakes to deliver to my daughter at school, then home for breakfast. How exciting, right?

Looking at my list, and I’m thinking it’s a good thing I put a to-do list in that post so I have a road map. I’m not feeling particularly motivated other than motivated to keep reading The Jet Sex.

But that is my reward once I get through my list.

Jar done. *high five*

Time to shut down the computer and work on my green notebook. (Yeah, sorry, this post seems to be a blow-by-blow and I’ll hit post at the end for #7).

So I feel asleep – um….intentionally took a nap.

Actually, I watched A Study in Pink – first time. I could feel myself grinning at Sherlock and John’s chemistry. I really liked it. At least, I’ll be able to catch up easy enough. Second episode tomorrow when the kids go to school.

I’ve organized the green notebook. There are ten sections: Notes, Content Calendar, Ongoing Business, (a section for an event I’m part of), Fandom, Depression – Mental Health, Spirituality – Faith &
Religion, House – Buying & Maintenance (the experience and pitfalls, not the daily journaling about my household crap), and Money, Matters (mostly my personal money issues).

My next big original post will be about my financial difficulties. I know our situation is not unique, and sometimes we can help each other (not just in a monetary way). We do have a Go Fund page, and for anyone who’s followed our specific problems, I will have an update and a link.

I will also post my first piece of writing from my Endure 4 Kindness back in November. I didn’t get any pledges (hopefully, this will improve for next year’s event), but I pledged myself a single donation for the day ($15). The donations benefit the Random Acts organization. I have mentioned them before and I will link them in a future post. They are very worthy of your time and your money. There is no amount too small. Every little bit helps.

Currently, we are making dinner and I’ll be typing up the quick short things that I wrote during Advent.

After that, I will take some time with my new journal and then more of Vicki Vantoch’s book. She has a wonderful writing style; I’m sure that I will be sharing more about this book as I read it. When I read her dissertation, it brought back my own memories of wanting to be a stewardess once I realized that I couldn’t be a pilot. I was an enormous fan of Amelia Earhart’s and flying was a new thing. I remember a trip I took with my Dad to Toronto. I can picture my little white jacket and a patent leather white purse with one of those change purse clasp things to close it. I’m pretty sure that the hat I’m picturing on my messy head is a projection of the times; I don’t believe I ever had a fancy travel hat.

Whenever I’m asked what I wanted to be growing up, I could never remember. My parents worked for the post office and that was something I used to think about as well as for the police department in some capacity or a private eye like Jim Rockford, but somewhere in my latent memories was being a stewardess and flying. Today I am more afraid to fly than not, but I wasn’t afraid as a child. I was enthralled by the glamour that followed that job around. I can picture a blue dress and a matching nurse’s style cap, a small, triangular purse. I had wings from that first trip, which are since lost and we had a blue tote bag with a shoulder strap that said Pan Am on the side. It had two large pockets and zippers and since then (and probably before) I have a fondness for all kinds of bags, wallets, purses, and travel things.

But I digress.

Claimed by the Corner Office

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I immersed myself in Supernatural on Netflix while I did the one chore claimed by today – cleaning my office. I would call it success. I filed all the papers (except church papers and kids’ drawings). I have 2 magazines that need to be shelved. I forgot to put my 2014 jar back (but I will do that tomorrow after I drop off birthday cupcakes at school).

I’m very happy with my space.

Tomorrow I’m going to take everything off the mantle and dust and then replace and rearrange a bit. I may share some pictures.

I used my Amazon gift card today to buy Vicki Vantoch’s book, The Jet Sex and once this posts I will begin reading it. *excited*

Tomorrow is filing the slips of paper from the 2013 jar and properly setting it up for 2014. I will begin writing in my new journal. I will print 2 pictures of my closest friends&family to keep in it. I will set up my green notebook, which is catch-all for all my brain’s ideas. I will start deciding on my resolutions/goals for this year.

Lots of questions for next week’s RCIA class. Today I read the handout on the rite of election and now my stomach is in knots. Next week, I also have a memoir workshop. The prompt is basically do whatever you want. Sometimes that freedom is worse.

First official day after the holidays. I feel pretty good.

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Happy Birthday Baby

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Happy Birthday Baby

Today is my baby’s birthday. She turned 8. She chooses her own clothes and today’s was a black tulle straight line dress with gold sparkly stars, black leggings, neon rainbow striped socks and a rainbow leopard print headband. And she pulls it off.

Target had half price girls’ clothes, so her birthday presents were more fashion statements. For Christmas we gave her a fashion design sketchbook, and she loved it. I think she sees a future career.

Today was also my weekly RCIA class and the Mass was the Epiphany Mass. It was a very musical Mass with the Three Kings giving their gifts to the Christ child. There were also refreshments and social time in the gathering space. If I don’t know people, they just randomly introduce themselves to me. It seems as though everyone knows me since I’m the only RCIA candidate this year and I know next to no one. Next week the Christmas season ends with the baptism of Christ.

I really love the program. I have not only learned so much, but it’s validated things I’ve always felt, but couldn’t put my finger on or figure out where I believed them from.

It’s very satisfying to find that my current state matches the mismatch that I’ve always felt in my life. Perhaps there was no other time when I was willing to listen until now.

The kids (finally!) go back to school tomorrow if the weather holds out. I plan to clear out the piles of paper in my corner office (so called because it’s literally in the corner of my living room). I have some plans to edit and publish (post) some of the pieces I wrote in November plus post the small ones that I did as part of an Advent Online writing retreat. (I’ll link you to the website when I post them.)

I’ve said it before, so I apologize for the redundancy but I’m feeling good about this year’s prospects for my writing.

Still feeling my way around this 365 project. I’m not sure if it’s going to be this – journaling about my day, maybe a small to-do or to-write list to give me some incentive to sit down and do it so it can be posted.

I also realize that the more I write, the better I’ll get and the more consistent I am will also give me a voice; my voice. I think that’s what I’m looking for: my voice.

Not Exactly a Snow Day

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I’ve finally got my computer back from the rugrats. Not that I’m doing anything exciting with it. Snowed in. Ugh. There is mail waiting for me at the post office, and since no one told me they were sending me Christmas presents, I’m going to guess that it’s junk mail. *frowny face*

Kids go back to school Monday (thank G-d!) and not a moment too soon. I think I have some money left on my Starbucks card – I need to get out of this house!! I also have an Amazon gift card from my sister for my birthday, and I’m waiting until they are back in school to buy Vicki Vantoch’s book, The Jet Sex. I’ve so been looking forward to reading it.

I’ve been working on a 2013 in Review post, and I decided that as boring as I am I’m going to keep lists for 2014 so I don’t have to wrack my brain at the end of this year like I’m doing now. Some things are easy to remember – my visits to VA, my quickie to NYC, GISHWHES and applepicking among others that you’ll get to see the middle of next week.

I’m also working on my goals for 2014. I think Thursday will be my deadline for that.

I saw World’s End the day before yesterday. Brilliant. But Simon Pegg and Nick Foster, so what else could it be? 🙂

I’m feeling that buzzing hummingbird feel – it still feels good despite the money issues. (I will be writing a post about those in more detail during the weekend.)

I’m on my second cup of tea.

My computer has anti-virus again.

My daughter’s birthday is Sunday.

I had something here talking about something I’d done, but as I typed it, it sounded a bit like bragging and that wasn’t my intention, so instead of sharing these three things publicly, I’m going to put them in my 2014 jar because while they were for others, they were also for me, for continuing to become the person I want to be regardless of how foreign it might feel at the moment.

Some things won’t make sense, I’m afraid.

Second post down, 362 more to go.

Ignoring the silence of my phone. And I am smiling. I think I’m happy today.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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It is 2014, and we are in the midst of a snowstorm. I got a text this morning that the schools were closed due to weather. Good thing the schools were already closed due to Christmas vacation. Maybe they were testing the system out.

I can feel things already this year. It’s only a day old and I feel better than I did last January 2nd.

I count New Year’s Eve as a small part of 2014, so I was pleased to talk to my friends who gathered at my best friend’s house for their New Year’s celebration while I was five states away with my family. I have to say I would have liked to have been actively loved, but I did enjoy getting accidentally called while they were singing Carry On Wayward Son. I will say again here that WK made me cry in the good way and I will hold her words in my heart all of this year. I was able to have my closest friends and my family close by for the last day and the first day of the year and that is a good feeling.

I’m starting my good news or something jar with slips of paper. I already have a slip in there.

I’m also starting a daily bloggy/journal thingy. Very late on the 31st I posted a quotation: “Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”

I’ve decided to post something, probably short daily and tagged with 365 and then I’ll see what I’ve got at the end of the year.

I’m still working on resolutions, but they will be more like goals and hope-to-dos and I’m planning on more moments of self-accountability.

I plan to focus on three main writing topics in addition to whatever pops into my mind and my memoir workshops and fandom and they will be Depression, Faith and my House, more specifically my horrendous home-buying/mortgage experience. All of these are where my heart and mind always went to in my daily life and not only will talking about my experiences help my own therapy, I think that I can offer things to people suffering through depression with how I’ve been helped.

I’m looking forward to this year, and I haven’t felt that way in a very long, long time.

So, good tidings and blessings and happiness for the next 363 days and beyond that arbitrary calendar date.

KB