In trying to find a sub-title for this post, I looked back at my previous posts that related to what’s been going on, and I was kind of pleased to discover that the last time I felt like I’d had a setback was in 2019, in the fall. I know I’ve had moments that go up and down, but this was decidedly different.

I try to be open and talk openly about my struggles and my successes. We all have mental health, and we all must get through any of its manifestations, good, bad, or neutral just like we do when we twist an ankle or get a paper cut.

My therapist retired earlier this year. My last meeting with him was at the end of January. It was supposed to have been two weeks before, but he recognized that I needed (wanted) to keep coming and I could come one more time, in two weeks, the day before he officially retired. I don’t know if this would be considered enabling, but I didn’t care. I had been seeing him bi-weekly, then weekly, then eventually monthly for ten years.

It’s been six months since then, and I was doing okay. Keeping my schedule. I started teaching writing. I was writing. I was attending church and other study groups regularly and feeling good. Good isn’t a great word to describe how anyone with depression feels. It’s too superficial. Neither is normal. I felt like… me, I guess is the only way to describe it.

And then one day, a wave of darkness overcame me. I felt withdrawn, I felt empty, and hopeless. I recognized these feelings from over ten years ago, and when I recognized them now, they lifted. And I thought, great, that was easy.

And then they came back.

I’m glad that I am self-aware and can step back and see where I am in this moment. I couldn’t do that ten years ago. Once we return from vacation, I am going to begin the search for a new therapist. I have a few names that were recommended to me by my therapist, and I hope to return to monthly sessions in the fall.

I’m being pro-active, I have a plan, and I’m taking steps to address my feelings. I’m thankful that I’m aware of what’s going on, and can keep pushing forward, and doing self-care until I can get back into a talk therapy program.

Why did I write this post?

No stigma.

Setbacks are not failures. Needing help is not a failure. Knowing that help is needed is a success, in all the best possible ways. My main go-to’s until I can get a new therapist are church (I know this isn’t for everyone, but it’s always been a positive for me), journaling, sketching and coloring, and list-making (for everything). I’m also going to search through my previous mental health posts and see if there’s something that I haven’t thought of that might also work and get through this interim time.

Feel free to put your own tips and helpful hints in the comments below.

I hope if you’re reading this, you are able to self-evaluate and course correct. If you need someone, please speak to a professional or call 988 in a crisis.