Self-Reassurance. Maybe.

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I’ve spent most of today off of the computer. Even if I’m writing, I’d still stop and check tumblr and Facebook.

Still cleaning up papers, making plans in my notebook. I even set up an accountability log – never doing this is always so discouraging when I want to check how I’ve been doing.

I’m still upbeat even though worried about friends. I know they’re doing well and they know how to find me if they need me (not p-a at all – more in line with reassuring myself that I’m valued and silence doesn’t mean rejection – now if I can only remember this when I’m not upbeat.)

I finished series 1 of Sherlock. Really enjoyed it. I’ll start series 2 tomorrow as a reward if I do the 2 writing assignments I’ve given myself.

Tonight is watching Green Lantern with the family and getting back to my book.

Sherlock and Stewardesses

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I’m looking at yesterday’s 365 post and I’m postponing the dusting. This morning’s chores took longer than I thought they would. First, it’s freezing. Unbelievably freezing. I went to Mass, got the few pics printed at CVS for my journal, got some groceries and cupcakes to deliver to my daughter at school, then home for breakfast. How exciting, right?

Looking at my list, and I’m thinking it’s a good thing I put a to-do list in that post so I have a road map. I’m not feeling particularly motivated other than motivated to keep reading The Jet Sex.

But that is my reward once I get through my list.

Jar done. *high five*

Time to shut down the computer and work on my green notebook. (Yeah, sorry, this post seems to be a blow-by-blow and I’ll hit post at the end for #7).

So I feel asleep – um….intentionally took a nap.

Actually, I watched A Study in Pink – first time. I could feel myself grinning at Sherlock and John’s chemistry. I really liked it. At least, I’ll be able to catch up easy enough. Second episode tomorrow when the kids go to school.

I’ve organized the green notebook. There are ten sections: Notes, Content Calendar, Ongoing Business, (a section for an event I’m part of), Fandom, Depression – Mental Health, Spirituality – Faith &
Religion, House – Buying & Maintenance (the experience and pitfalls, not the daily journaling about my household crap), and Money, Matters (mostly my personal money issues).

My next big original post will be about my financial difficulties. I know our situation is not unique, and sometimes we can help each other (not just in a monetary way). We do have a Go Fund page, and for anyone who’s followed our specific problems, I will have an update and a link.

I will also post my first piece of writing from my Endure 4 Kindness back in November. I didn’t get any pledges (hopefully, this will improve for next year’s event), but I pledged myself a single donation for the day ($15). The donations benefit the Random Acts organization. I have mentioned them before and I will link them in a future post. They are very worthy of your time and your money. There is no amount too small. Every little bit helps.

Currently, we are making dinner and I’ll be typing up the quick short things that I wrote during Advent.

After that, I will take some time with my new journal and then more of Vicki Vantoch’s book. She has a wonderful writing style; I’m sure that I will be sharing more about this book as I read it. When I read her dissertation, it brought back my own memories of wanting to be a stewardess once I realized that I couldn’t be a pilot. I was an enormous fan of Amelia Earhart’s and flying was a new thing. I remember a trip I took with my Dad to Toronto. I can picture my little white jacket and a patent leather white purse with one of those change purse clasp things to close it. I’m pretty sure that the hat I’m picturing on my messy head is a projection of the times; I don’t believe I ever had a fancy travel hat.

Whenever I’m asked what I wanted to be growing up, I could never remember. My parents worked for the post office and that was something I used to think about as well as for the police department in some capacity or a private eye like Jim Rockford, but somewhere in my latent memories was being a stewardess and flying. Today I am more afraid to fly than not, but I wasn’t afraid as a child. I was enthralled by the glamour that followed that job around. I can picture a blue dress and a matching nurse’s style cap, a small, triangular purse. I had wings from that first trip, which are since lost and we had a blue tote bag with a shoulder strap that said Pan Am on the side. It had two large pockets and zippers and since then (and probably before) I have a fondness for all kinds of bags, wallets, purses, and travel things.

But I digress.

Claimed by the Corner Office

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I immersed myself in Supernatural on Netflix while I did the one chore claimed by today – cleaning my office. I would call it success. I filed all the papers (except church papers and kids’ drawings). I have 2 magazines that need to be shelved. I forgot to put my 2014 jar back (but I will do that tomorrow after I drop off birthday cupcakes at school).

I’m very happy with my space.

Tomorrow I’m going to take everything off the mantle and dust and then replace and rearrange a bit. I may share some pictures.

I used my Amazon gift card today to buy Vicki Vantoch’s book, The Jet Sex and once this posts I will begin reading it. *excited*

Tomorrow is filing the slips of paper from the 2013 jar and properly setting it up for 2014. I will begin writing in my new journal. I will print 2 pictures of my closest friends&family to keep in it. I will set up my green notebook, which is catch-all for all my brain’s ideas. I will start deciding on my resolutions/goals for this year.

Lots of questions for next week’s RCIA class. Today I read the handout on the rite of election and now my stomach is in knots. Next week, I also have a memoir workshop. The prompt is basically do whatever you want. Sometimes that freedom is worse.

First official day after the holidays. I feel pretty good.

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Happy Birthday Baby

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Happy Birthday Baby

Today is my baby’s birthday. She turned 8. She chooses her own clothes and today’s was a black tulle straight line dress with gold sparkly stars, black leggings, neon rainbow striped socks and a rainbow leopard print headband. And she pulls it off.

Target had half price girls’ clothes, so her birthday presents were more fashion statements. For Christmas we gave her a fashion design sketchbook, and she loved it. I think she sees a future career.

Today was also my weekly RCIA class and the Mass was the Epiphany Mass. It was a very musical Mass with the Three Kings giving their gifts to the Christ child. There were also refreshments and social time in the gathering space. If I don’t know people, they just randomly introduce themselves to me. It seems as though everyone knows me since I’m the only RCIA candidate this year and I know next to no one. Next week the Christmas season ends with the baptism of Christ.

I really love the program. I have not only learned so much, but it’s validated things I’ve always felt, but couldn’t put my finger on or figure out where I believed them from.

It’s very satisfying to find that my current state matches the mismatch that I’ve always felt in my life. Perhaps there was no other time when I was willing to listen until now.

The kids (finally!) go back to school tomorrow if the weather holds out. I plan to clear out the piles of paper in my corner office (so called because it’s literally in the corner of my living room). I have some plans to edit and publish (post) some of the pieces I wrote in November plus post the small ones that I did as part of an Advent Online writing retreat. (I’ll link you to the website when I post them.)

I’ve said it before, so I apologize for the redundancy but I’m feeling good about this year’s prospects for my writing.

Still feeling my way around this 365 project. I’m not sure if it’s going to be this – journaling about my day, maybe a small to-do or to-write list to give me some incentive to sit down and do it so it can be posted.

I also realize that the more I write, the better I’ll get and the more consistent I am will also give me a voice; my voice. I think that’s what I’m looking for: my voice.

Not Exactly a Snow Day

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I’ve finally got my computer back from the rugrats. Not that I’m doing anything exciting with it. Snowed in. Ugh. There is mail waiting for me at the post office, and since no one told me they were sending me Christmas presents, I’m going to guess that it’s junk mail. *frowny face*

Kids go back to school Monday (thank G-d!) and not a moment too soon. I think I have some money left on my Starbucks card – I need to get out of this house!! I also have an Amazon gift card from my sister for my birthday, and I’m waiting until they are back in school to buy Vicki Vantoch’s book, The Jet Sex. I’ve so been looking forward to reading it.

I’ve been working on a 2013 in Review post, and I decided that as boring as I am I’m going to keep lists for 2014 so I don’t have to wrack my brain at the end of this year like I’m doing now. Some things are easy to remember – my visits to VA, my quickie to NYC, GISHWHES and applepicking among others that you’ll get to see the middle of next week.

I’m also working on my goals for 2014. I think Thursday will be my deadline for that.

I saw World’s End the day before yesterday. Brilliant. But Simon Pegg and Nick Foster, so what else could it be? 🙂

I’m feeling that buzzing hummingbird feel – it still feels good despite the money issues. (I will be writing a post about those in more detail during the weekend.)

I’m on my second cup of tea.

My computer has anti-virus again.

My daughter’s birthday is Sunday.

I had something here talking about something I’d done, but as I typed it, it sounded a bit like bragging and that wasn’t my intention, so instead of sharing these three things publicly, I’m going to put them in my 2014 jar because while they were for others, they were also for me, for continuing to become the person I want to be regardless of how foreign it might feel at the moment.

Some things won’t make sense, I’m afraid.

Second post down, 362 more to go.

Ignoring the silence of my phone. And I am smiling. I think I’m happy today.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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It is 2014, and we are in the midst of a snowstorm. I got a text this morning that the schools were closed due to weather. Good thing the schools were already closed due to Christmas vacation. Maybe they were testing the system out.

I can feel things already this year. It’s only a day old and I feel better than I did last January 2nd.

I count New Year’s Eve as a small part of 2014, so I was pleased to talk to my friends who gathered at my best friend’s house for their New Year’s celebration while I was five states away with my family. I have to say I would have liked to have been actively loved, but I did enjoy getting accidentally called while they were singing Carry On Wayward Son. I will say again here that WK made me cry in the good way and I will hold her words in my heart all of this year. I was able to have my closest friends and my family close by for the last day and the first day of the year and that is a good feeling.

I’m starting my good news or something jar with slips of paper. I already have a slip in there.

I’m also starting a daily bloggy/journal thingy. Very late on the 31st I posted a quotation: “Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”

I’ve decided to post something, probably short daily and tagged with 365 and then I’ll see what I’ve got at the end of the year.

I’m still working on resolutions, but they will be more like goals and hope-to-dos and I’m planning on more moments of self-accountability.

I plan to focus on three main writing topics in addition to whatever pops into my mind and my memoir workshops and fandom and they will be Depression, Faith and my House, more specifically my horrendous home-buying/mortgage experience. All of these are where my heart and mind always went to in my daily life and not only will talking about my experiences help my own therapy, I think that I can offer things to people suffering through depression with how I’ve been helped.

I’m looking forward to this year, and I haven’t felt that way in a very long, long time.

So, good tidings and blessings and happiness for the next 363 days and beyond that arbitrary calendar date.

KB