reflection

Confession

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Confession is not for payoffs; it is for healing.

– Lewis B. Smedes, Give Us This Day, 2/27/15

My first confession was required as part of my RCIA program. It may have been the first sacrament I made prior to baptism.

I was forty-seven, and had no idea where to begin. Would anything I felt guilty about count? Should I stick to the ten commandments? Most of those weren’t applicable: murder, adultery, stealing.

I yell at my kids and I curse. A lot.

It felt silly.

But in looking deeper, into years and decades of feeling sorrow for deeds, I managed, with the guidance of my priest to find the right balance, to know what should be confessed and what should be ignored, what needed deeper understanding and what remained superficial.

It wasn’t my confession that freed me; it was the absolution and the absolutism of G-d’s forgiveness through my priest’s words and prayers. With his hands on my head, I could feel the weight lifted, literally going away from me.

It was so much more than I expected, and so much more healing than I could have imagined.

Hope

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Where there’s life, there’s hope.

I heard this today on Supernatural. It was said in a glib, facetious way to put on a happy face, to show that the character didn’t care about his future, but the fact is that he does care. Underneath it all, he’s an optimist.

I would always call myself a realist; or even a pessimist. I have a knack for finding the dark cloud in every silver lining, but slowly, that seems to be changing.

My mantra drones on in my head, it will all be alright, and I think…. I think I might actually meant it.

Intention

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Intentions are important. My decision to miss morning mass this morning was with the intention of going to tonight’s mass.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep this afternoon, and now I feel like Rip Van Winkle. My head is groggy, my mind is foggy, my hands are tingling, and the last thing I want to do is go out in the cold.

I will probably stay home, and read my devotional. Although I find that positive, it’s not the same as being in the community of church.

Intentions are important.

I must remember that follow throughs are more so.

Led by the Spirit

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Led by the spirit of our G-d, we go to fast and pray
With Christ into the wilderness; we join his paschal way.
“Rend not your garments, rend your hearts.
Turn back your lives to me.”*

This was our closing hymn on this first Sunday of Lent. As soon as those words came from my lips, I was reminded that Lent is not a solitary disposition.

As we fast and pray throughout the rest of these forty days, Christ is with us as He is always with us.

It is not solitary, but it is also not public. No need to make a show of our sacrifices, our abstentions, to announce our Lenten deeds by rending our garments for the world to see. Instead keep Lent where it is supposed to be: in our hearts where G-d can always see our underlying intentions.

* adaptation by Ralph Vaughan Williams, 1872-1958

Transformation

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In today’s reflection from Give Us This Day, Fr. Paul Boudreau wrote,

“The love of Jesus makes water into wine, traitors into apostles, and is given to us in order to transform the world, starting with ourselves and the people we encounter today.”

Transformation can be a somewhat daunting prospect when looked at as the big picture of our lives; as a journey’s end rather than the journey itself. However, as we teach kids to walk beginning with baby steps, we can see that transformation is best achieved with baby steps.

Little by little, through Jesus’ love and our self-awareness, we can follow our transformation, and reflect on it quietly and thoughtfully in small increments that we each find doable.

As We Journey, We Do Our Best

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I’ve been very lucky that G-d led me to the parish I’m in. When I began attending Mass, the parish priest was in Rome. When he returned, I was hesitant; he wasn’t who I was used to, but it didn’t take long for me to love his way of expressing things. He spoke to me, seemingly out of the blue, but clearly with G-d’s hand on his choices, ones that would stand out to my ears.

One of those apparently innocuous statements was at the end of my first summer.

As we journey, we do our best.

It was simple. Straightforward. Easy to remember and easy to follow; a new mantra for me to take on my new journey.

As we journey, we do our best.

Lent is one of those times of the year that we try to do our best. We give something up, we take something in. We attend Mass more faithfully.

I’ve been struggling with what to give up, but in remembering that Lent is between me and G-d, I’ve decided to keep it to myself for now, maybe for the entirety of the forty days.

Sometimes it’s easier to do my best without eyes looking over my shoulder for if and when I falter.

Reflection – Ash Wednesday

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As I find myself observing my first Ash Wednesday since my baptism into the Catholic faith (I observed two before today), I am hesitant to choose that one something to give up. There are truly so many things available to me, not necessarily bad habits that need eliminating or rectifying or sins that need reconciling, but between candy and dessert, soda and McDonald’s Breakfast Burritos, television and internet, the present list goes on like a persistent gnaw at my subconscious, and I’m not sure where my Lenten (or should I say life -) priorities should lie.

In addition to giving something up, what do I add to my day to encourage me in my spiritual contemplation, the new awakening to my continuing faith journey? In the past, I’ve committed to a daily reflection. Unfortunately this has lasted about two days. Maybe I’ve taken on too much, been overly ambitious, trying to publish a missive rather than a thought.

Should I pray more?

Should I give myself some extra alone time in the morning to reflect and ruminate? Perhaps use as a model the Daily Examen of St. Ignatius?

Everything I’ve mentioned and thought about for this Lent looks good and interests me, but so far none feel right; none feel faithful.

None fit.

They all feel forced, a put-uponing rather than a release, a lethargy of excuses rather than an arousing of spirit or a growth to carry me through these next forty days.

I am at odds with myself and it all feels muddled; a disarray of good intentions amid the clutter of listlessness, torn between excessive piousness and not enough, walking the fine line of knowing who this Lent is for – my outer self or my inner soul.

As I spend the rest of today in G-d’s grace, I’m hoping He will show me which direction to take at this Ash Wednesday crossroads.

A Blog Audit

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Last week I pushed the wrong button and accidentally changed my theme, so I spent two days looking through, and decided on this one. I wanted the color green and I like having a sidebar. It forced me to change whether I was ready or not. Sometimes, a good thing. I’ll be keeping this one.

As for other aspects of the site, what I’m looking to do is create more of a website feel rather than a blog. I have a few pages and I plan on adding more. The pages are for information and links. I currently have the opening page as my posts, but once I set up a Home page, I’m going to redirect to that static page rather than the posts which are listed in the sidebar anyway.

I’ve started an index divided into subjects so readers can find what they’re looking for.

I want it to be my original writing and photographs with helpful or informative reblogs. Simply, I want it to be mine.

I want the site to be a resource, to use what I know, what I learn and to share my experiences, especially the things that have changed me: depression, parenting, equality, spirituality; perhaps make someone else’s journey just a little bit easier and give them company on the road.

I’m still not sure how to join it together and bring out my best, like a tapestry woven with many layers and hidden threads. But I’m happy to experiment.

Welcome.

A Reflection on Resolutions

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Resolutions are one of those things that everyone does, and half of them deny it. Here we are in the third week of 2015, and some of us are still deciding what we want to resolve and add to our goals list while some of us have already given up on our promises on the last night of 2014.

Last fall, I began a new format here, and it seems to have received more positive feedback than not, and even better than readership (which I appreciate and adore) I’ve been enjoying myself. My writing, at least some of it, has a plan with a concrete path to follow.

Third week of January, and I’m feeling pretty good.

I’m still laying out what I want out of this year.

I’m planning on spiritual retreats that I like to couple with my writing. I have one planned for February, and I’m hoping to be lucky enough to go to the Diocese’s spring enrichment again. I would love to go to Philadelphia in September for the World Family Conference and the Papal Visit, but I imagine that’s more money than I can afford.

For my writing, I feel that I have an introduction to what I want this blog/website to be for me and my readers, but that is ever-evolving. I want to focus on writing about my home-buying experience (in a word: traumatic), which is partly a venting and partly a warning to others. I’d also like to write about traveling and whatever that entails. I may also start book posts. I’ve already finished two great books and started a third and I would love to share my thoughts on them.

Personal, I need to work on my anxiety, reorganizing my office, ending my paper addiction, and using my library more.

I’ve stopped reading The Artist’s Way. I liked most of the things about it, but when it asked me to stop reading everything for a week, I could not go through with it. I have started the Blogging 101 project, and have tried to keep up. I may actually have an about section before the end of the month.

Next up is setting up my 2015 Mason Jar and working on next week’s spotlight on organization.

Have a great weekend.