daily lenten reflection

I Do Believe. Help my Unbelief

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“The identity of Jesus. Imagine him looking to me and asking, “Who do you say that I am?” To which I respond…”
– from The Little Black Book, Wed, Mar 11, 2015.
(Ref: Luke 22:66-70)

Growing up as a child and even as a young adult, I really did not know who Jesus was. I knew that most of my friends celebrated Christmas and Easter and some went to church on Sunday, but we (and they) never talked about it.

My open mind wondered if he was the Son of G-d, if He was the Messiah. I questioned, having been told that peace would come with the Messiah. No peace, no Messiah. If I was wrong, He would forgive me right?

It seemed simple enough.

That was one of my problems.

It wasn’t simple; not really. But for those who have faith, who truly believe, it really is that simple.

I always believed in G-d; in the Bible stories I learned as a kid. I didn’t walk into my church seeking G-d; or his son. Even on my many of my first visits He was hidden from me.

Until one day he wasn’t.

I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t been there. Empty church. Silent. Lights out but outside light streaming in. And then a bright light, that came closer and got brighter. I was crying and then I stopped. I was sad and then I wasn’t. I was suddenly full of knowing.

Jesus was…..

everything.

I knew and I believed; it was all there in my heart.

“Who do you say that I am?”

You’re who saved me and I’ll follow you where you’ll take me.

It really was that simple.

The Cock Crows

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In today’s Gospel, more than denying the Christ, Peter is abandoning a friend, his close friend. How long had he traveled with Jesus? How long has he witnessed for him? He left his livelihood and his family and his home for Him. Jesus asked him to build his church.

Today he deserted him, not once but three times. This is probably the hardest to read for me. How many times have I abandoned a friend because I was afraid of someone else’s response? It is so much more than being selfish or simply looking out for yourself. The amount of fright and sadness felt by Peter I’m sure was palpable. He wasn’t just afraid of what would happen to him from the crowd if he admitted to his friendship or to his discipleship, but also his reaction to Jesus seeing his betrayal and immediately forgiving him. The shame and relief were probably at war with each other.

The hardest part is not only asking for forgiveness but forgiving yourself.

First Scrutiny

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For catecumems coming into the church this Easter, today was their First Scrutiny. The Gospel for them to hear and discern is the woman at the well. I remember thinking on this nearly one year ago. It feels like forever ago. I’m looking forward to completing my first year in the church, and I’m thinking back and re-reading parts of my journey. My prayers are also with this year’s group.

Anniversary

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I saw the head of the RCIA program at mass tonight. She asked me if I thought about the upcoming anniversary of my baptism. I have been thinking of it. A lot. On one side I can’t believe a year has come and gone so quickly; it’s really flown by. On the other side it feels as though I’ve been Catholic forever. It’s an exciting feeling, though knowing how I feel about Jesus, and knowing that he is always with me.

Solitude

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Solitude appears in many places and are as different for each person as the people themselves. As much as the Lenten season is a group activity in that all Catholics do it at the same time, it is very much a solitary effort for each of us:

– what we give up for Lent, what we add, if and when we fast, abstaining from meat on Fridays, how and how often we do penance and ask for reconciliation, what we share for charity, how often we pray, and where our individual journeys take us.

Lent is forty days of solitude, of just us and G-d, our thoughts and prayers, our priorities and our choices on our crossroads as we meet them.

Solitude is the quiet inside no matter how much the outside noise is raging.

Solitude is the thought of doing better, being better, offering kindness where there is none or more where there is not enough.

Solitude is random, and comes in the shadows, in the light, and in the in-betweens.

Solitude is the thinking space, the quiet within the quiet.

Journeying Without Hypocrisy

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“Jesus spoke to the crowds and to his disciples, saying, “The scribes and the Pharisees have taken their seat on the chair of Moses. Therefore, do and observe all things whatsoever they tell you, but do not follow their example. For they preach but they do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens hard to carry and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they will not lift a finger to move them. All their works are performed to be seen. They widen their phylacteries and lengthen their tassels.” – Matthew 23:1-5

Yesterday’s Gospel is one that I struggle with every Lent as well as throughout the year. How do I continue my spiritual journey, the path to find me and do it authentically, and sometimes that’s hard to come by? I go to church and I’m seen by people. Whether or not their judging me, and nine times out of ten, they are not, I still feel uncomfortable. Am I worshipping in the right way?

I did do it before my baptism, but it took me forever to make the sign of the cross and the crosses on my head, lips and heart before the Gospel is read. I wasn’t ready, but then one day, without thinking about it, I just did it. I almost didn’t realize it. One day it was right.

I did feel that part of me was worried at how I looked, did people think I was genuine.

This was one of the reasons I didn’t talk about what I had given up for Lent or about the daily reflections that I had planned on doing. To me it sounded like bragging even though I definitely didn’t mean it like that. When I put money in the collection basket, I feel like there are looks, and I wish that there was another way of making my contribution.

How do we join the two sides to do what is important to us individually to do?

Today is the fourteenth day into Lent. I haven’t been counting down, but as I mentioned one of the Lenten commitments I made to myself (and to you, although unknowingly to you) in that first week was to write a daily reflection. It doesn’t matter how long it was or what it was about, but it was spontaneous, something that came to me at some point during the day, and so far as almost exclusively been related to my daily readings. Yesterday was the exception.

Most of them have been kind of eureka moments. I’ll be going along with my normal day, I read something or hear something at mass, and it makes me think, or go aha! Or slap my head or stop whatever else I’m doing to jot down a few thoughts and post it. This is really where my kindle has come in handy. In fact, today is probably the first day in the last month that I’ve actually used my computer to write. I can thank the bad roads for that. I ended up staying home with my television and my computer. I’m hungry, but that can wait.

I love to write. It makes me feel alive. It is part of every aspect of everything I do. I need it and I need to do it every day, constantly throughout the day. One of the objects I want to get out of these daily reflections is to continue to figure out who I am and where my mental priorities lie. I’m forty-eight years old and I don’t fit. I’m still trying to fit.

Remembering to do what feels right and leaving the hypocrisy at the door is a struggle that we all have to push through, and we all can in our own ways.

Life and Living

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(It says: “Until life within the womb of a mother is safe, life outside the womb will never be safe.”)

(*Note: I saw this earlier today and I had an opinion on it to share. Not all of my reflections this Lent will be on my positive journeying through the forty days. I have many things that cross my mind in a day, and this was today’s.
Trigger warnings for abortion and choice.*)

I could not disagree with this more. In fact, I find it offensive that this is part of a so-called pro-life campaign.

In fact, I think the opposite is true: it is our obligation to care for those already born and through education and appropriate birth control, abortions will, and have been going steadier, lower.

The false equivalency of a fetus and a grown person having the same safety concerns tells me that the person who wrote this sign doesn’t understand the real issues that women in this country, pregnant or not, face on a daily basis.

Is abortion really less safe than being born without a spinal cord or a brain stem?

Is abortion really less safe than starving and dying in poverty?

Is abortion really less safe than living in a chronically abusive household?

Do we really care more for our unborn than our already born? Our persons of color? Our single parents? Our foster kids? Our child victims of rape who are forced to carry babies to term when their emotional states and their physical bodies are not ready for it?

Shouldn’t we begin with taking care of those outside the womb first? If we can’t get that right, how can we presume to know what’s the best options for inside someone else’s body?

We also know that a fetus could not survive on its own without its physical attachment to the mother, the host, unlike people who are already living, breathing, thinking human beings. It is not a symbiotic relationship; it is strictly one-sided. If you remove the baby from the situation, the mother will still be alive. The opposite is not true.

I would prefer less bumper sticker sanctimony and more real world options without the attack on pregnant women at every turn.