[Note 1: This was a writing prompt from my local writing group. It seemed timely and I had some fun.
Note 2: when I say Republicans I’m talking about elected Republican officials, not voters.]

Dear Mr. President,

Prez, George, Bubbie (sorry, that’s from Die Hard, I couldn’t resist, and I know, I know, you haven’t seen a movie from 1988, and that’s okay), but seriously, have you seen what’s been going on down here in Washington, DC? Yeah, that’s what they call it now and to be honest…what a mess!

You know that whole taxation without representation thing? That will need to be another letter.

But really, have you seen it?

Like at all?

It’s a shitshow down here. A poop parade. A spectacle that would not be deemed remarkable if a clown riding an elephant walked through the “hallowed” halls of Congress. Hallowed is in quotation marks by the way.

Up is down and down is out and out is way out.

Just the other week, a Congressman, an elected representative of the second largest state in the Union asked if the Forestry Service and Bureau of Land Management could do anything about fixing/adjusting the Earth’s rotational orbit?

I am not kidding. There’s film of that shit.

Film? Well, yeah, you’ve got a lot to catch up on, but the gist of it is this:

This experiment of yours is about to go the way of Coke and Mentos (another anachronistic reference, um, like gunpowder and fire in the hull of a wooden ship? Better?).

Remember the Maine?

I don’t suppose you do.

But the war this one starts will be another civil one. Oh, yeah, you missed that too. I’ll send you a book to read before they’re all burned.

James Madison, I’m sure is getting no rest, rolling over in his grave at a minimum of three times a day just from the lack of separation of church and state, and howling like a banshee whenever someone mentions the Federalist Papers who hasn’t read The Federalist Papers and I can’t even imagine the earthquake below his earthly shell when someone misrepresents the second amendment. Again.

Could we do something, like Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future? Mitch McConnell is ghostly enough and lacks a soul that he can sit in for present; you, Hamilton, and Madison can jump in from the past, and the future, well, the way we’re going, there won’t be anyone to come back from the future to set us right.

What if we just go back in time and eliminate the Republican party before it gets its start because frankly, they’re making the Know-Nothings look like Know-it-Alls, and that’s something in itself.

Or…and here’s a thought: Don’t be so fucking vague. Lay the Constitution out in black and white. Fix the comma situation in the second amendment. Be real clear on how important the first amendment is. I mean, I know it’s the first and you know it’s the first, but for some reason, and many more than you would have thought, Republicans don’t understand what the FIRST means.

They also don’t understand that whole majority rules that Madison thought would be assumed, but you know what they say when you assume…you don’t, well, it’s not important, but that majority rules thing – we really do need it explained. In detail. In English. Maybe French. And more than once.

The filibuster is killing us, literally.

What’s a filibuster? Exactly.

That you don’t know and didn’t enshrine it in the Constitution (rightly) is part of the problem. The filibuster is when the minority party vetoes the votes of the majority. Recently, a vote was 54 aye, 35 nay, and because of the filibuster the nays had it. Motion defeated. No debate. No discussion.

No, I’m not joking.

None of this is funny.

People are dying.

Anyway, that third amendment – you will be surprised on how little quartering soldiers comes up. In fact, the only time I can think of it happening at all was around 1862 and this was more or less ignored.

I would also suggest you should think more on the articles of impeachment and insurrection and be more specific rather than “high crimes and misdemeanors”. What the hell does that mean anyway?!

Remember when the British burned the White House? Wait, no of course you don’t remember – you were thirteen years dead.

Apologies.

And you couldn’t listen to Abigail Adams? Not once? “Remember the ladies…” We still don’t get equal pay for equal work. That was just defeated by that filibuster – the thing you’ve never heard of because it’s not actually in the Constitution.

One would think that equality for all would have been fairly important to include in this document that you expected us to follow, cherish, and lay down our lives for, but I’m not sure equality was near the top of your priority list, you know with that whole slavery thing. I think if you knew the headache we’re having right now, you either would have been more meticulous or thrown up your hands and given up the ghost on this crazy notion of a nation.

Amendments 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 are great and all, but you might want to jot a note in there about equal justice under the law because racism is still a thing, and while you didn’t call it racism even you believed that owning other people wasn’t exactly okay.

Bodily autonomy!

The right to vote, George!

And no Electoral College. Land can’t vote. You only have sixteen states so you might think it makes sense. It doesn’t. We have fifty states now and one on the way, plus seven territories. Get rid of the Electoral College. Popular vote for President. Majority rules, remember, George? Ask James Madison.

And amendments 9 & 10 are just damn confusing. What’s not enumerated? Enumerate them dammit! How can we pursue life, liberty, and happiness if we aren’t educated and are dying of dysentery when you could have simply stated that citizens of these United States have a right to an education, to shelter, to have their medical needs taken care of because George, we’re living into our seventies and eighties now, and I know that must seem immortal to you, but we’re not just getting there eating kale and drinking water. We have something called preventative care unless you can’t afford it, which is most everyone. Some would think that’s a function of government. I mean there are people who have surgery today that costs more than the entirety of Mount Vernon’s worth when you lived there.

Today’s politicians have little knowledge of what you all were thinking so they make it up and call themselves originalists. We need it spelled out. Like you’re speaking to a child. Make the Federalist Papers part of the Constitution as an explainer or an appendix. Leave a piece of parchment where some grave robber will find it, like in National Treasure. Just make sure that it’s found before 2016.

Do we even want to talk about taxes?

Call me.

KB