my 42

Derailed, not Destroyed

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Today was the first day in more than a week that I had a normal breakfast and I am still enjoying my tea.

I will be adding people to my tags so they see things (as requested) so don’t think that because someone is tagged that it is some kind of passive aggressive message. It’s not. There’s a lot going on and sometimes I need friends to see things in a sea of dashboard posts. Especially after two very important posts were missed last week by someone I needed to hear from. I will still be cryptic, but cryptic doesn’t equal p-a. If you’re wondering, ask me. I’m the only one who knows why I did something, and that’s not even true all of the time. 😉

We had a really lovely time on Saturday with our family. My uncle turned 70 and it was more than a little wonderful to see him, my aunt and another uncle and of course all of the cousins that we haven’t seen in forever.

The house is quiet, so once this is posted, I’m going to work on tomorrow’s memoir homework before my daughter gets home and begins to badger me to use my computer.

For the most part, I’m in a good place right now. I can feel things poking me in the back of the neck, but if I take a deep breath, glance over at a picture of my friends, pray a little, I’m mostly okay. There is a small group of specific people I pray for at every daily Mass, and sometimes, I wonder if that’s more for me or for them. Of course, I want beautiful things for them, but it gives me such a warm feeling that it is good for me also – to think about those people, to know in my heart who they are and how wonderful they are and how much good they deserve and that I want for them, and sometimes, I even wonder where I’d be without them in my life.

In the church, this is Ordinary Time, but I think this is actually an extraordinary time for me to reflect on how far I’ve come, how far my loved ones have come, and how much I want to do in the next few months. The sick and the friend crisis (both of which are still happening) derailed my resolutions and goals for 2014, but part of the things I’ve learned in the last few years is derail doesn’t mean permanent damage. I don’t need to give up; I need to start again; to continue because life happens and sometimes, we just have to roll with the punches, pick ourselves up, and take that next step.

I love you guys, and I’m here.

 

Pain Brings the Snow

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Or is it snow that brings the pain?

I had the most severe back pain last night. I could barely move. In fact, I had to take two Tylenol just to get to sleep for a couple of hours.

I haven’t had pain like that since I was pregnant with my second child.

Actually, I don’t typically get back pain. Oh yes, the little spasms here and there from overdoing something or falling asleep in the chair at the wrong angle. I refuse to ascribe anything to “at my age” and even when I’m 80, that phrase will still be more appropriate for someone twenty years older than I am at that moment.

After all, I’ve been told that the reason I had hearing loss was age.

I was 23. (It wasn’t how long I’d been on the Earth; it was how long I was in front of the speakers at a Stray Cats concert in high school. My ears still ring.)

I’ve been really good about no soda for breakfast, however… No tea this morning. It won’t make me feel better. Tea is comfort, and soothing and quiet and calm. I have an appointment I can’t cancel and it’s snowing. I don’t need calm; I need courage.

Tomorrow it’s going to be so warm there’s a chance of flash flooding. Today it’s snowing. Light and fluffy, but I think that’s just to lull you into a false sense of security until the drifts swallow you up.

RCIA (Mary-Mother of G-d), possible phone call depending on schedules, editing, Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall, plan visit to uncle, plan daughter’s bday party. $5 pizza for dinner.

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2013 in Review – 2014 in Preview

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2013 Year in Review

Most years are a mix of good and bad and 2013 was no exception.

I didn’t accomplish all of my goals, and while that was my lack of focus there were also extenuating circumstances. For the most part, my depression and anxiety were under control and when they weren’t I usually had the presence of mind to remove myself from the situation or recognize enough to grab my phone and sort it out with my friends.

Our biggest ‘bad’ was in June; my mother in law was hit by a car. We weren’t sure she was going to make it, but she made remarkable progress and was released from the hospital the week before Thanksgiving.

During our visit in the summer, I was triggered by the nursing/rehab facility. It was very unexpected for me. Things bother me but never to the extent of triggering in this way. Because of the circumstances I couldn’t talk to my husband about what was going on with my reactions, but I was very lucky that I had friends visiting NYC (which is close to my MIL’s town) and I was able to take a quick (ish) train ride into Manhattan and spend about twelve hours with people who were able to distract me enough and talk enough and hug enough to put the trigger reactions aside for the rest of our visit.

We also put our finances in the ‘bad’ column, but I won’t get into details of that here. That is one of the subjects that I will be talking about in January as part of my writing.

Speaking of writing, I actually did quite a bit of it in 2013. I didn’t expect to take any trips and planned out physical retreats as well as online retreats. I didn’t do as well as I would have liked, but that just gives me something to work on in 2014. It wasn’t disappointing enough to knock me down and discourage me, but it wasn’t good enough and that might be enough of a motivating factor.

I made two writing retreats for myself. I’d put the kids on the bus, go to Mass, and then disappear until 3:30 or so. I also included an online retreat from Days of Deepening Friendship, a website that includes writing and faith. In December they had an Advent Retreat. I didn’t do as much for this as I would have liked, but I did follow the Thursday topics and made lists rather than write prose.

December winded up being so busy that I wrote 0 words, but more than made up for that in November.

I started keeping track in May, and for 2013, I had a total word count of 171,920. The topics I wrote about included: Fandom – Harry Potter, Daydverse, Supernatural, the actors, some Fan Fic, two Memoir workshops, Money, religious/spiritual, travel, random prompts, tea, politics, mental health as well as writing a lot about the summer of Misha – GISHWHES, Random Acts and Endure4Kindness (an eleven hour writing marathon for charity).

Not including December which I’ve said was 0 words, my lowest month was October (2397) and my largest month was November (16, 777).

I’ve talked a lot about attending Catholic Mass, and that continued throughout 2013. I enjoyed (and still do) attending Mass and seeing how the readings helped and spoke to my daily life. I am still sometimes amazed that something written so long ago and the passages chosen by someone a couple of years ago to be read are still so relevant to specific things in my life.

I have been attending the RCIA (Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults) to receive my sacraments at Easter and become a member of the Catholic Church. I’m excited by this and I really like learning the history and the rituals. What I’ve found most interesting is that everything I’m hearing and learning validates things I’ve always thought about the spiritual world my whole life. It tells me that this is the path I’m supposed to be on because it’s always been in my head; I just didn’t know what it meant.

Fandom events included the season finale (season 8) and the season premiere (season 9) of Supernatural, the 50th Anniversary Special of Doctor Who as well as the Christmas special with the regeneration and introduction to new Doctor, Peter Capaldi. (Really looking forward to Easter!)

I took two trips to Virginia (one by train which I’d love to repeat), thanks to my best friend and met some really awesome people who will be in my life forever.

As family, we took two trips to visit our family (in the summer and Thanksgiving) and my sister-in-law came to see us for a couple of hours during the Christmas holiday.

As I said, it was the summer of Misha (Collins) – GISHWHES, Random Actopolypse, then Endure4Kindness in November. I have grown very fond of Random Acts as a charitable organization, and all of my ‘extra’ change either went to them or to my church.

I anticipate repeating much of these activities in the next year, especially the new traditions of writing retreats and Random Acts activities.

 

And now, for 2014! What will my focus be on in 2014? How will I be motivated for the next year?

You may have seen some of this in my daily 365 posts, so I do apologize for anything that’s redundant.

In 2013, I had three New Years and I’ve just begun this one. Half of you just went, Three?!

  1. Jan. 1, 2013
  2. Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year
  3. Advent, Dec. 1, 2013 – the start of the Liturgical Calendar

I’ve always made my resolutions for Rosh Hashanah. There is a built in assessment at the end of December, and then I can reassess and add or subtract goals based on what’s been working and what else I want to try out.

The only thing that seemed to work this year, though, was November. Random Acts’ E4K (Endure 4 Kindness) set me up to succeed and my writing workshops reinforced it, but before and after I kind of floundered.

I’m hoping to do better this year (and I think I’m off to a pretty good start). If we’ve nothing to strive for, what is even the point? No one is perfect, least of all me, there is always one more goal to meet, one more goal to set as long as the world goes round and round.

One of the central themes of my life this past year has been Mental Health issues. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in 2012 and it took nearly all of that year to get the medicine right and become more in recovery and less floundering like a fish on the dock. 2013 was a better year for paying attention to relapses, to successes, to triggers and to coping and I did a lot of talking about it. I found that I could give advice when asked and I could even take some, so that will be one of my writing subjects for 2014.

The second will be Religion and Spirituality and how mind has evolved and changed, how it’s helped me and given me new insights, not only to myself, but to foreign things I thought as a child and young adult that now make more sense with this new context.
Third, finances. Advice, bankruptcy, home buying, not sure where this will go. I’ve tried to write about the disaster that is our home buying experience at least a dozen times, but every time I do, I break down in tears. Maybe this is the year I get through it, at least a first draft of it.

Of course, I’ll throw in parenting and fandom and travel because at heart I’m a babbler, so let’s see where 2014 will bring will bring us and my writing.

Happy New Year.

 

Self-Reassurance. Maybe.

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I’ve spent most of today off of the computer. Even if I’m writing, I’d still stop and check tumblr and Facebook.

Still cleaning up papers, making plans in my notebook. I even set up an accountability log – never doing this is always so discouraging when I want to check how I’ve been doing.

I’m still upbeat even though worried about friends. I know they’re doing well and they know how to find me if they need me (not p-a at all – more in line with reassuring myself that I’m valued and silence doesn’t mean rejection – now if I can only remember this when I’m not upbeat.)

I finished series 1 of Sherlock. Really enjoyed it. I’ll start series 2 tomorrow as a reward if I do the 2 writing assignments I’ve given myself.

Tonight is watching Green Lantern with the family and getting back to my book.

Claimed by the Corner Office

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I immersed myself in Supernatural on Netflix while I did the one chore claimed by today – cleaning my office. I would call it success. I filed all the papers (except church papers and kids’ drawings). I have 2 magazines that need to be shelved. I forgot to put my 2014 jar back (but I will do that tomorrow after I drop off birthday cupcakes at school).

I’m very happy with my space.

Tomorrow I’m going to take everything off the mantle and dust and then replace and rearrange a bit. I may share some pictures.

I used my Amazon gift card today to buy Vicki Vantoch’s book, The Jet Sex and once this posts I will begin reading it. *excited*

Tomorrow is filing the slips of paper from the 2013 jar and properly setting it up for 2014. I will begin writing in my new journal. I will print 2 pictures of my closest friends&family to keep in it. I will set up my green notebook, which is catch-all for all my brain’s ideas. I will start deciding on my resolutions/goals for this year.

Lots of questions for next week’s RCIA class. Today I read the handout on the rite of election and now my stomach is in knots. Next week, I also have a memoir workshop. The prompt is basically do whatever you want. Sometimes that freedom is worse.

First official day after the holidays. I feel pretty good.

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Happy Birthday Baby

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Happy Birthday Baby

Today is my baby’s birthday. She turned 8. She chooses her own clothes and today’s was a black tulle straight line dress with gold sparkly stars, black leggings, neon rainbow striped socks and a rainbow leopard print headband. And she pulls it off.

Target had half price girls’ clothes, so her birthday presents were more fashion statements. For Christmas we gave her a fashion design sketchbook, and she loved it. I think she sees a future career.

Today was also my weekly RCIA class and the Mass was the Epiphany Mass. It was a very musical Mass with the Three Kings giving their gifts to the Christ child. There were also refreshments and social time in the gathering space. If I don’t know people, they just randomly introduce themselves to me. It seems as though everyone knows me since I’m the only RCIA candidate this year and I know next to no one. Next week the Christmas season ends with the baptism of Christ.

I really love the program. I have not only learned so much, but it’s validated things I’ve always felt, but couldn’t put my finger on or figure out where I believed them from.

It’s very satisfying to find that my current state matches the mismatch that I’ve always felt in my life. Perhaps there was no other time when I was willing to listen until now.

The kids (finally!) go back to school tomorrow if the weather holds out. I plan to clear out the piles of paper in my corner office (so called because it’s literally in the corner of my living room). I have some plans to edit and publish (post) some of the pieces I wrote in November plus post the small ones that I did as part of an Advent Online writing retreat. (I’ll link you to the website when I post them.)

I’ve said it before, so I apologize for the redundancy but I’m feeling good about this year’s prospects for my writing.

Still feeling my way around this 365 project. I’m not sure if it’s going to be this – journaling about my day, maybe a small to-do or to-write list to give me some incentive to sit down and do it so it can be posted.

I also realize that the more I write, the better I’ll get and the more consistent I am will also give me a voice; my voice. I think that’s what I’m looking for: my voice.

Not Exactly a Snow Day

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I’ve finally got my computer back from the rugrats. Not that I’m doing anything exciting with it. Snowed in. Ugh. There is mail waiting for me at the post office, and since no one told me they were sending me Christmas presents, I’m going to guess that it’s junk mail. *frowny face*

Kids go back to school Monday (thank G-d!) and not a moment too soon. I think I have some money left on my Starbucks card – I need to get out of this house!! I also have an Amazon gift card from my sister for my birthday, and I’m waiting until they are back in school to buy Vicki Vantoch’s book, The Jet Sex. I’ve so been looking forward to reading it.

I’ve been working on a 2013 in Review post, and I decided that as boring as I am I’m going to keep lists for 2014 so I don’t have to wrack my brain at the end of this year like I’m doing now. Some things are easy to remember – my visits to VA, my quickie to NYC, GISHWHES and applepicking among others that you’ll get to see the middle of next week.

I’m also working on my goals for 2014. I think Thursday will be my deadline for that.

I saw World’s End the day before yesterday. Brilliant. But Simon Pegg and Nick Foster, so what else could it be? 🙂

I’m feeling that buzzing hummingbird feel – it still feels good despite the money issues. (I will be writing a post about those in more detail during the weekend.)

I’m on my second cup of tea.

My computer has anti-virus again.

My daughter’s birthday is Sunday.

I had something here talking about something I’d done, but as I typed it, it sounded a bit like bragging and that wasn’t my intention, so instead of sharing these three things publicly, I’m going to put them in my 2014 jar because while they were for others, they were also for me, for continuing to become the person I want to be regardless of how foreign it might feel at the moment.

Some things won’t make sense, I’m afraid.

Second post down, 362 more to go.

Ignoring the silence of my phone. And I am smiling. I think I’m happy today.