lent

Confession

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Confession is not for payoffs; it is for healing.

– Lewis B. Smedes, Give Us This Day, 2/27/15

My first confession was required as part of my RCIA program. It may have been the first sacrament I made prior to baptism.

I was forty-seven, and had no idea where to begin. Would anything I felt guilty about count? Should I stick to the ten commandments? Most of those weren’t applicable: murder, adultery, stealing.

I yell at my kids and I curse. A lot.

It felt silly.

But in looking deeper, into years and decades of feeling sorrow for deeds, I managed, with the guidance of my priest to find the right balance, to know what should be confessed and what should be ignored, what needed deeper understanding and what remained superficial.

It wasn’t my confession that freed me; it was the absolution and the absolutism of G-d’s forgiveness through my priest’s words and prayers. With his hands on my head, I could feel the weight lifted, literally going away from me.

It was so much more than I expected, and so much more healing than I could have imagined.

Hope

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Where there’s life, there’s hope.

I heard this today on Supernatural. It was said in a glib, facetious way to put on a happy face, to show that the character didn’t care about his future, but the fact is that he does care. Underneath it all, he’s an optimist.

I would always call myself a realist; or even a pessimist. I have a knack for finding the dark cloud in every silver lining, but slowly, that seems to be changing.

My mantra drones on in my head, it will all be alright, and I think…. I think I might actually meant it.

Intention

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Intentions are important. My decision to miss morning mass this morning was with the intention of going to tonight’s mass.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep this afternoon, and now I feel like Rip Van Winkle. My head is groggy, my mind is foggy, my hands are tingling, and the last thing I want to do is go out in the cold.

I will probably stay home, and read my devotional. Although I find that positive, it’s not the same as being in the community of church.

Intentions are important.

I must remember that follow throughs are more so.

Rite of the Elect

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Yesterday was the first Sunday in Lent, when the Bishops greet those in their Diocese who are preparing for their baptism into the Catholic Church.

One year ago, I was one of the Elect, called by name at our Cathedral. I met our Bishop, and I signed my name in the book. There were prayers, and hymns. My family was there, my husband, my kids; my priest and a church friend standing in as sponsor.

The nervousness of being on display subsided with a calm I’ve only found through Jesus; that unfailing faith that only He can bring.

Surety.

This decision was unwavering; the only one before or since.

Led by the Spirit

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Led by the spirit of our G-d, we go to fast and pray
With Christ into the wilderness; we join his paschal way.
“Rend not your garments, rend your hearts.
Turn back your lives to me.”*

This was our closing hymn on this first Sunday of Lent. As soon as those words came from my lips, I was reminded that Lent is not a solitary disposition.

As we fast and pray throughout the rest of these forty days, Christ is with us as He is always with us.

It is not solitary, but it is also not public. No need to make a show of our sacrifices, our abstentions, to announce our Lenten deeds by rending our garments for the world to see. Instead keep Lent where it is supposed to be: in our hearts where G-d can always see our underlying intentions.

* adaptation by Ralph Vaughan Williams, 1872-1958

Transformation

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In today’s reflection from Give Us This Day, Fr. Paul Boudreau wrote,

“The love of Jesus makes water into wine, traitors into apostles, and is given to us in order to transform the world, starting with ourselves and the people we encounter today.”

Transformation can be a somewhat daunting prospect when looked at as the big picture of our lives; as a journey’s end rather than the journey itself. However, as we teach kids to walk beginning with baby steps, we can see that transformation is best achieved with baby steps.

Little by little, through Jesus’ love and our self-awareness, we can follow our transformation, and reflect on it quietly and thoughtfully in small increments that we each find doable.

As We Journey, We Do Our Best

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I’ve been very lucky that G-d led me to the parish I’m in. When I began attending Mass, the parish priest was in Rome. When he returned, I was hesitant; he wasn’t who I was used to, but it didn’t take long for me to love his way of expressing things. He spoke to me, seemingly out of the blue, but clearly with G-d’s hand on his choices, ones that would stand out to my ears.

One of those apparently innocuous statements was at the end of my first summer.

As we journey, we do our best.

It was simple. Straightforward. Easy to remember and easy to follow; a new mantra for me to take on my new journey.

As we journey, we do our best.

Lent is one of those times of the year that we try to do our best. We give something up, we take something in. We attend Mass more faithfully.

I’ve been struggling with what to give up, but in remembering that Lent is between me and G-d, I’ve decided to keep it to myself for now, maybe for the entirety of the forty days.

Sometimes it’s easier to do my best without eyes looking over my shoulder for if and when I falter.

Lenten Reflection – Lifelong Conversion

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The story of Lydia in Acts “…shows that conversion is not just a one-time event but a lifelong process.”

I read this in the May 26th meditation from The Word Among Us, and coming then so close to my sacraments in joining the Catholic Church it really stood out to me. For me personally, I had been attending daily Mass for over two years before my baptism. Without the holy water, I still felt a member of the church and my fellow parishioners treated me that way as well. I was welcomed as one of them from the very beginning; no strings attached.

Now, as my first full year as a Catholic comes to a close, it is less a closing than it is an opening into my lifelong conversion. There are still so many things to learn and to discern that one lifetime may not be enough.

I think of Christ every day and throughout the day, whether I go to a Mass or not. He is in my heart and in my life, and I have no doubts that He always will be.

My conversion will never be complete, and knowing that lets me know that there is always something else to strive for; whether it be continued enlightenment and spiritual desires or a deeper understanding of Jesus’ and Christianity’s history and my ongoing commitment to become a better person, more compassionate, more kind, more giving, not to please anyone else but in being the me I venture to be.

Lenten Recs

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These are some of my Lenten resources:

The Word Among Us

Give Us This Day

The Little Black Book for Lent 2015

Father James Martin, SJ

There Will Be Bread – my friend, sponsor and godmother

Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth by Reza Aslan

Jesus: A Pilgrimage by James Martin, SJ