Sitting in Mass this morning for Ash Wednesday, I still hadn’t come up with what to give up for Lent. I hadn’t decided on what I would do to increase my piety, study, and action with for Lent. I hadn’t thought about intentions for Lent. That’s only partially true. I’ve thought about it, but then it went away. I did, however, eat meat this morning. I thought I’d get something small to fit into today’s fast (Catholic fasts and Jewish fasts are different in that Catholics can eat small meals, and after age 59 they are not required to fast anymore), but I digress. I was asking a friend in the parking lot about drinking tea (which is okay) and when she mentioned no meat, it was then that I realized I already failed.

But then, I moved forward. In my prayer for the Novena for Blessed Carlo Acutis, the grace that I asked for was to be forgiven for eating meat today and offering to do better throughout the rest of the forty days.

I was given ashes and received communion. I sat for a bit after to absorb the readings and the homily and the anticipation of a good Lenten journey as it begins. A few things stood out for me.

When I received the ashes, I was told to “turn from sin and live the Gospel.”  I always wonder what the person will say. Sometimes, it’s you are from dust, and you will return to dust. Sometimes it’s about other key ideas that can fit on the fortune cookie sized missive. Turn from sin. And live the Gospel. Not read the Gospel. Not share the Gospel. LIVE the Gospel.

The Gospel reading for today is from Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18, which reads in part: Jesus said to his disciples: “Take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them;…”

Avoid blowing a trumpet to call attention to your alms, do not look gloomy or unwashed, and do not pray out loud, but “go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret.”

I’m sorry, but I find that a hilarious reading on the one day when everyone walks around with their righteous deeds marked on their foreheads like a Catholic Rorschach test.

I also find myself in a picadillo as I am a writer. It all comes out in a narrative for public consumption. I’m also depressed and anxious and I’m always expressing the tools I use to banish the stigma and to be a resource for others. In my hyperawareness, I do over analyze and over share, in mental health, in religion, in many other things.

Even if I’m not trying to brag or act pompous with my actions, I still have this innate need to write about them. I need to share the deeds, not as a request for a pat on the back or even a like on social media, but because often, I’ve done something so simple, I think anyone can do it, and I like to remind people of that. I like to encourage the people around me that some things may sound harder than they are, but the reality is that some things are quite simple. It takes one step.

I’m not sure turning from sin is one of those things. Especially when I return to the confessional with the same grumbles: cursing, judging, cynicism, not having enough faith. How do I overcome what is always present as part of my personality? How do I move forward through Lent when I’m often looking back at what I’ve done in the past, what I continue to do in the present, and what I know I will still do in the future.

What are my intentions?

I don’t know.

I do think what I will give up is time for prayer. I don’t mean that the way it sounds. I will give up my time to pray every day of Lent. I will take the time from other things and pray. At least once per day, perhaps twice. I do like an examination of conscience at night. I will take up my spiritual journal. Today and tomorrow, I will finish catching up from the summer and the fall, and then begin again steadily with Lent and throughout the Lenten season. I will attend adoration at least four times in the next forty days. I will try for weekly. Another commitment I’ve given to myself is to read Pope Francis’ Laudato Deum. I’ve been carrying it around in my case, and I have yet to give it a look. I also intend to art in a prayerful way.

There may be more things that I think of as valuable for my journey this spring, but they will come in the time that they are ready to be seen. This is not a checklist or a to-do list. Pope Francis has said that anyone can be a saint. I don’t know if that’s the direction I’m going in, but in the trying is the holy. It is the peace, and the grace, and the deepening of my relationship with Jesus.

Our parish is focused now on Blessed Carlo Acutis whose exhibit on eucharistic miracles, and his holy relics are coming to our church for five days. I’ve been reading a book about him written by his mother, and as I read, I highlight, and I have been inspired for some of my planned Lenten practices through this book and its intercession. Blessed Carlo said, “we need to practice two virtues: humility and simplicity.” This morning at mass, the Father mentioned keeping it simple. That resonated with me, and it did because of Blessed Carlo.

The song sung during the offertory also spoke to me: Attende Domine; Have mercy on us, Lord, and the responsorial psalm: Be merciful, O Lord for we have sinned. We have. We know we have, even in our unawareness and G-d is so merciful. I need to accept his mercy and move towards grace and look outward at what I can do while I’m also looking inward, expanding my prayer and my conversations with G-d and His Communion of Saints.

I’m ready to begin.