In the Middle

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With all the time I supposedly have, I’ve had a hard time writing. I have ideas, holy mackerel I have a ton of ideas – memoir, fic, meta, even pangs of Bittersweet, but the last two weeks, maybe a bit more, I’ve been scattered and short tempered. Some of that is my doing – stress scatters me – and the insane idea that words have meaning even if you don’t agree with them. The computer thing was beyond stupid. How in the world is my lived experience not valid as one example in a billion seas of examples? And when did knowing someone invalidate your opinions? It’s a strange new world. I’m not sure I like this aspect of it, so I will have to put it on my to-do list to change it, right?

A brief note: if you understood the vague blogging and think this is passive aggressive, you’d be wrong. There is nothing passive about it.

I’m going to write about things that made me jump for joy, things that tear me an emotional new one and things that bother the shit out of me, and everything in between and all around. (I really do need next week’s retreat, don’t I? 😉 Cross your fingers that they let me come sans money. I have high hopes, otherwise known as faith.)

I’m spending the week with my middle son. He was supposed to go to a VBS (vacation Bible school) with a neighbor, but we never asked and I’m kind of tired of him spending his days with this British guy’s Minecraft videos. I’ve dragged him to church, but he really seems to be enjoying it. Yesterday we had a burrito breakfast and went to the library. Today is Chuck E. Cheese and tomorrow is more library fun plus a therapy dog program. Thursday (or Friday – this is still up for debate) is the comic store and the sushi place he’s been asking to try. I think the other day of those two will be a movie day. I’ll see what he wants to do and when because I have therapy on Thursday. Kind of ironic – I’ll probably need it more after Gishwhes.

Middle Guy rarely gets this one on one time, so I’m glad it’s worked out for us, both with timing and mood (especially my moods, which were ridiculously unpredictable last year, but much better this). The middle child has a syndrome for a reason. And then when Dad offers to pick up the other two kids to give middle guy a little extra time with Chuck E, we take it.

He has managed to get a little present for his sister during everything we’ve done. He’s a good big brother, although he wouldn’t want her along on his surprise week.

We’re also excited to be using his older brother’s “new” car. We like it.

See what I mean, though? This missive was supposed to be about writing and here I am giving a glorified to-do list of this week’s summertime fun.

On the depression front (except for the last couple of weeks) this summer hasn’t been too bad. I haven’t dreaded having the kids home like I did last year. I don’t even know how many days there are until school goes back. House is still a mess, but it feels different; better.

I won’t name you, but I must apologize to the three people I had emailed with. I really dropped the ball on this. I think of you nearly every day, and I will send emails or message you to at least make sure things are okay. This is a reminder that you are on my mind and you are not alone in anything, I promise.

Writing. I’m still not sure what I want my writing to be, but I’m more encouraged to try out new things even if most of my writing seems to be journaling.

I blame my memoir workshops for that.

Maybe I’ll do a random prompt every couple of days. Perhaps, a Gishwhesian Haiku for Saturday.

My faith journey continues and is intertwined with my writing as much as both are interwoven with my life – the true Celtic knot of my soul. Triquetra might be more appropriate.

[Source for picture: http://www.lalegendedesfees.com/triquetra/441-pendentif-triquetra-bronze-antique.html]

When I misplaced my faith, my writing kept me together most of the time. With both holding me steady and pushing me forward, there is a calmness that is not only becoming to me, it is letting me become me.

I know there’s a lot of inner turmoil and self-reflection and growing and I expect that to continue until my last breath exhaled and my last word written. Everyone has a legacy and I’m still trying to write mine. I do have to live it first, though.

My past is so eclectic, esoteric (a favorite word of mine from my 100 Club days – inside joke) that in the new world I should be able to squeeze myself in and fit and if I don’t fit maybe it’s time for the world around me to adapt, just a little, considering all of the adapting I’ve done over the years.

Edinburgh

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There are things that stand out in my mind, a quick memory that jumps to another, a smell, the feeling of a particular fabric on your skin.

My first trip overseas was to the United Kingdom. It was 1986/1987 and my college roommate was student teaching in England. She asked me to meet her there and then we would travel together for winter break and afterwards return to school together.

It came at a perfect time, that if any one thing had been different, I would have turned her down. Luckily for me the stars were aligned in my favor, and the trip literally changed much of my life.

She asked me what I wanted on the itinerary, and I believe my response was: Stonehenge and a Castle. Everything else was her choice. I didn’t care as long as I got to see Stonehenge and a Castle.

There is much to tell that happened during these almost-three weeks, but when I put my request for a prompt and I limited it to seven choices, and People: Edinburgh was chosen.

We barely spent any time in Edinburgh, but it truly was the people who stand out in my memory.

For one thing, I’m weak-kneed for a Scottish accent. And bagpipes…… Completely unrelated, but I visited a Gettysburg battlefield at the same time as Bike Week and one of the riders got off his Harley and started playing the bagpipes. It was one of the most moving feelings I have ever experienced. The memory still manages to choke me up. Sorry for the digression.

I’ve always been a tremendous fan of Scotland and the Celtic people.

In the summer before the trip, we both (my roommate and I) worked at a camp that had an entire group of British exchange students, and one of them was Clive A. Clive was the canoe specialist and he and I embarrassingly started a food fight in the dining hall. It was disgusting and we both got in serious trouble and I couldn’t drink orange juice for almost a year afterwards, but it was one of our bonding moments. And I was one of three people who could understand him through his thick Scottish accent.

Our trip from Pitlochry to Edinburgh was somewhat eventful, although not as eventful as Edinburgh to London, but still. The snow had begun falling before we got on the train, and once we’d arrived in York, the snow turned to mush in a country that didn’t know what to do with mush. Trains were delayed, but eventually we made it into the city to meet up with Clive.

On our way, we ran into an Aussie fellow we met on the train in Wales.

This was January and so the hostellers were a small group. We didn’t run into the same people, but we did meet a couple, stay a bit, change hostels with them, meet a couple more and then trade. It was neat. We met Peter in Bangor, went our separate ways. Actually we were ion the same train. At Perth, we went on to Pitlochry and he changed for Aberdeen. I was indeed surprised to find him later on that evening in Pitlochry, and the next morning he came with us to Edinburgh.

The Scottish hostels were a bit different than the English and the Welsh ones we’d been used to up until now. For one thing, the Scottish curfew was 2am rather than eleven or midnight. Scottish hostels also did not provide silverware; you were supposed to carry your own, and we did not know that. They were kind enough to let us borrow. Also in Scotland, we, as women, were not automatically served a half-pint like we were in England and Wales. In Scotland, we got a full pint, and for me who didn’t drink that much, but soon discovered the wonder that is hard cider didn’t really pay attention to the size of the glass other than to be marveled that I was given a pint in Scotland. It was very exciting.

Not to mention that by this time the drinking age in NY was 21 (raised on my birthday, the bastards!), so my first legal drink was received in the UK.

Clive took us to three places, but the only one I remember the name of was Preservation Hall. He’d said it was named for the one in New Orleans. *shrug* I didn’t know. He and my roommate seemed to be in charge and that was fine for Peter and me. We tagged along like wayward puppies, following as Clive searched streets for a working ATM. They weren’t on every street corner in 1987, and it took a little time for him to get some cash.

We laughed and talked and drank and three and a half pints later we stumbled out.

The next thing I knew Peter and I were put on the taxi queue, given an address to get us back to the hostel before the curfew and my roommate and friend left me there.

We stood for a moment or two and decided we could find our way back before curfew, and we didn’t need to pay for a taxi. Thinking back, that was probably one of the stupidest things I’ve done. I met this guy three or so days earlier and so we wandered down the streets.

By now it was snowing, and Peter, being from Australia had never seen snow, but this wasn’t just any kind of snow I told him; this was fairy snow. The kind that lightly dusted your hair, and sparkled in the lamplight. We sat on a snow covered bench beneath the Edinburgh Castle that was lit up for the evening and watched the magical snow glitter and glimmer, twinkling in competition with the stars against the blackness of the Scottish sky, the only light one or two lamps and the castle far above us.

It was sweet and cozy as we walked hand in hand, stumbling down one street and then another, not even knowing what we were missing by not having a cell phone or a nav system, but we made it.

Right before curfew. We came in as the warden was about to lock up, although he was kind enough to ask about my other friend, and I said she wouldn’t be back.

We found a warm spot next to a crackling fireplace and left drips where the snow melted off our woolens, our hair spraying water on each other like a dog might when he comes in from the rain.

Peter and I stayed up most of the night in case my roommate needed us to open the door for her, but he was right about that being futile and I didn’t see her until the morning when she woke me for the train back to London.

Peter and I said goodbye until our pen pal letters started up once he was home and that lasted several years.

A two hour delay, sitting on a moving train car that was only moving for me and my hangover, a crick in my neck from how I fell asleep on my rucksack, wondering why we weren’t in London, an amusing conductor who was much funnier than he should have been sober and snow, snow, snow, and wondering if we’d even get back to the United States because flights were being cancelled left and right.

Finally, we were heading to London, but we weren’t able to sit together. I ended up with a man named Kevin. Scottish, but he needed to show up at the military something in London to check in and then turn around and go home. Didn’t make much sense to me, but we had a nice chat the entire way to London. He was short and had very small hands, and I’m not sure why that stands out in my mind. We also talked about the Scottish money – the pound note, well all of them that doesn’t have a picture of the Queen on them. There was a shortened history lesson of Scotland, and my roommate and I were back in Bishop’s Stortford hoping to get on the plane the next morning, and Kevin and Peter were just happy memories.

 

James Garner (1928-2014)

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james garner 1 james garner 2 james garner 3

 

(Photos are from Google Images. I do not own these images.)

I woke up at 5am. I felt ill and took some Tylenol and thought I’d check Facebook. I’m not sure why I picked Facebook; Tumblr’s my usual go-to place. At the top of my Facebook newsfeed was a post by my sister. She is always posting celebrity deaths, so her posts consist of my nieces and this year, the death of my childhood apparently.

I saw the RIP and gasped when I read the name: James Garner.

My eyes welled up and a tear or two escaped.

I watched a lot of TV as a kid; still do. A lot. I could name pretty much any actor and I recognize them in other roles as well as by their voices if I’m not looking at the screen. I like so many of them that it’s hard to pick a favorite. I mean I could pick ten or twelve, but pinning it down to one is almost impossible.

Unless James Garner’s name comes up.

I adored James Garner.

He was my childhood hero.

Jim Rockford.

The Rockford Files.

Most of my friends know of my intense dislike, hatred, phobia of water and the beach is my least favorite place. So it would probably surprise them that because of Jim Rockford I wanted to live in a trailer on the beach.

I also wanted to be a private investigator. I don’t have the skills, but what the hell?! Anything is possible with Jim Rockford as my mentor.

If I couldn’t be a writer, I would to be a private eye. The logistics didn’t matter. Jim was everything. He wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t loved by everyone. He had a shady past. He carried a gun. He had an answering machine. I don’t think we even had an answering machine back then.

And his car. Loved his car.

Today, I wore a brown poly-blend shirt with a collar in honor of his hideous brown polyester trousers and huge lapels. Ugh! It’s hard to believe that that look was ever popular.

I talked about Star Trek fandom the other day, and I fan-ficced the hell out of Jim Rockford.

I can hear the opening music in my head.

I’m going to miss him so much.

You will always be in my heart.

Rest in peace, Jimbo.

Homeschooling – 1990s Style

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Recently I was discussing the difference (or really the similarities) between a Master’s thesis and a PhD dissertation. My Master’s thesis, which I needed to complete in order to graduate, was finished in or around 1992, possibly 94. I can’t for the life of me remember the year and I have no idea where my physical degree is.

I mentioned that my thesis was about Homeschooling and tumblr user, RJ asked me about it.

It would take a year to find the actual paper in my basement, so this will be lacking facts and figures, and really just a short summary of what I was looking for and my conclusions.

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House – Part 2 of ?: The Inspection

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A quick note: I’m going to label these posts in numbered order, but that is not necessarily a chronological order or how they will remain when they’re edited into a final form. This way as you’re reading along you can keep track of the ones you’ve read if you’re interested in that.

 

When the inspection is held depends on when your contract is signed. Our inspection was in late May. Remember in my landscaping piece (link), the outside looked fantastic. This was the naïve day when we still believed that the inspection meant something.

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Supreme Court Decides an Employer’s Right to their Employees’ Reproduction Decisions (My Opinion)

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I don’t think I’ve ever disagreed with my priest before today. He is usually apolitical even though by virtue of being a priest, you kind of know where he stands on most issues. We are currently in the middle of the fortnight for freedom. It’s two weeks of daily prayer for religious freedom.

At the same time, yesterday, the Supreme Court handed down its decision in the Hobby Lobby case having to do with an employer’s religious beliefs. I’m a little incensed, so I’ll be touching on these and other related topics. If I’ve got facts wrong, please message me and I will most definitely look into it.

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What is Bullying?

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What is bullying?

According to the Webster’s Online Dictionary, bullying is “the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something.” It is also defined as “tending to browbeat others,” and its synonyms include intimidation (noun), domineering, and blustery (adjectives).

In modern vernacular it happens much more than in the schoolyard for some kid’s lunch money or baseball cards. For starters, and not entirely relevant, do people still collect baseball cards?

In addition to school bullying by peers, we have adults and teachers who don’t know the appropriate responses to bullying. Often we blame the person being bullied, trying to get them to change how they do things to avoid the bully and/or the bullying behavior.

We also have the internet which is both the best thing for modern technology and information dissemination, but it is also the best place that feeds the trolls and encourages some aspects of bullying because of its anonymous nature.

Using a made up name with no affiliation to a legal name or location seems to free people’s subconscious to the point that they think their abuse of others is normal and/or okay.

We all know that many bullies have their own problems, whether it is mental illness, chronic abuse by others, or any other reason that they feel validates their abuse and bullying of others.

When I was in middle school, I was told by a girl, same age, same class, her name was Donna and she told me that I couldn’t go on the field trip strawberry picking. I really, really wanted to go strawberry picking. I grew up in the city and the suburbs, which was more city-like than rural, and I had never gone strawberry picking. We barely had a backyard. I really wanted to go.

I think she said they would beat me up.

I went home and cried. I cried a lot.

I also think this is the reason I’ve always wanted a big brother, someone to beat this girl up so I could go on my field trip. This just illustrates the mentality of dealing with a bully; more violence. We know now that this is not the way.

Thinking back on it, she also had two friends with her: it was like Crabbe and Goyle with Malfoy from Harry Potter. She looked like Meg 1.0 from Supernatural, probably one of the reasons I prefer Meg 2.0 to the blond version. The first one always made me uncomfortable and it wasn’t until I started writing this that I realized why.

Anyway, I knew I couldn’t go on the trip. That was obvious; no argument there. I was upset and I’d cry, but no way could I go on the trip.

I also knew I couldn’t make a fuss.

I said I was sick. Very technically, I was sick; sick to my stomach about so many things that I couldn’t understand at eleven or twelve years old. All I knew is that it sucked, and I wasn’t precisely lying; I was truly sick.

I stayed home, and I never forgot it.

Thirty years later, I went to my son’s middle school back to school night. I came home having a panic attack and after spending about two hours talking and crying on the phone, the panic was barely soothed. I was upset for days after, on the verge of other panic attacks.

Bullying never goes away, and so when a fellow Tumblr user began bullying me last week, I became that twelve-year old again.

I tried to talk to the person, to express that I didn’t want to be harassed.

They bullied further.

I shouldn’t admit it for the satisfaction they might get (or others), but I’m in my forties and if it could happen to me, it could happen to the teenagers here who might be less equipped to handle the pressure. I cried. Every time I turned on Tumblr, my tears welled up. It was in the back of my mind at every moment. I stayed after mass and prayed on it.

Tumblr is not supposed to be stressful like this. Tumblr is not supposed to be upsetting. Nothing we do for fun is supposed to be stressful and upsetting.

I’ve taken legal steps to stop this bully from harassing me, but it’s not simple on a public site.

It also shouldn’t be my responsibility to stop this person. They shouldn’t be encouraged by others.

You can’t stop someone from hurting you by hurting someone else.

Sure, I could leave. But why should *I* have to leave? I like it here, and I’ve done nothing wrong. Tumblr is a place of diverse ideas, diverse opinions and people say stuff all of the time that I don’t agree with and don’t like. I don’t jump down all (or even some) of their throats, bully, threaten and harass them because I don’t like what they’re posting.

That is what’s called being an adult.

But it’s more than that.

It’s called respecting that not everyone will agree with you. Not everyone will share the same experience with you. Not everyone will want to follow your tactic. And you feeling that you’re right does not give you the right to bash someone who also thinks that they are right.

I don’t care what their problem is. I don’t care if it’s mental, physical, they’re a victim of abuse, what their political affiliation is, what their gender or orientation is, married with kids or single. I honestly don’t give a fuck.

My empathic nature does have its limits. I try to live my life through Christ, but human nature is at once beautiful and compassionate and it is also selfish and egocentric. Once you crossed the line to threaten me (and this person did), you lost my empathy. I have no need to have direct contact with anyone unless they come to me first; unless they talk about me with the name calling and verbal abuse.

When my first son was born, I remembered the strawberry picking field trip. It is never far from my mind when harassment begins, but when my first son was born, I swore that no one would bully him. I would not leave him to fend for himself.

And a few years ago, I swore again. I promised myself that *I* would not be bullied ever again.

I would not live in fear of some ignorant, arrogant, holier than thou, knows better than me about me person, whether in physical person or online.

So this is me standing up.

I know I’m not the only one this person is harassing. I know I’m not the only one that this person has attacked.

And I won’t be silenced.