Unrequited Love

Standard

The only unfulfilled love I’m willing to talk about openly is writing. And the realization that the love affair will never be reciprocated hurts just as much as that first time someone came out and said, “I like you. I just don’t like-like you.”

Writing will never like-like me. I’m too old, and it’s not that I’m too old as much as born at the wrong time – the non-generation. I’m not a baby boomer. I’m not a Me. I’m too old to be a Gen-Xer. Or Y and Z for that matter. I missed the computer age – I didn’t even have a computer until I got married and I was forty-one before I actually owned my own – a laptop, which took me a year to finally use with any kind of regularity. My kids know the VCR as the machine next to the TV that has never worked.

I read Julie Andrews autobiography recently. She grew up in the fifties, and I was sad to discover that her voice is my voice. That’s how I write. Very formally, describing how the leaves rest on the rooftop, narrative on top of narrative with very little emotion unless it’s purple prose. I write like someone who grew up in the fifties, only I have no story to tell. My parents weren’t alcoholics, I did not overcome drug abuse, I wasn’t abused or molested. My parents sent me to college. I lived at home until I got married.

This non-generation of girls was expected to grow up, be prim and proper, but still know everything, go to school, college and be anything you wanted, anything boys could be even President of the United States. At least until you got married and had kids and in that order. And when the kids were in high school you could go back to work because women were independent now.

You can’t be a writer. A writer is impractical. And they drink. They don’t have two nickels to rub together either.

Get a degree and then you can write.

Get married. You can write later.

You’re still young. You can’t wait to have kids. Writing will always be there.

Well, guess what?

Writing didn’t wait for me. Writing found someone else. Writing computerized. Modernized. Writing grew up, and changed with the times where it needed to. More do it yourself. More travel. More health care and fitness. New writers came along. Younger and prettier and having seen people like me get left behind knew just what to do to keep up.

Writing won’t ever come back for me, and I just can’t catch up. My writing is tired and old; timid. Like me.

My best friend, like any good friend, pushes me towards the love that got away, prods, challenges, shames, but he can only push so far. I keep my hand on the ledge. I don’t know what’s down there. I lean over, but I can’t see very far, and what I can see is dizzying.

What if I fall?

What if I catch up to writing and I’m just not good enough? Staying back and wondering is better than being rejected again, isn’t it?

Isn’t it?

267 thoughts on “Unrequited Love”

  1. Beautifully written post. 🙂 And no, I don’t think staying back and wondering is better than being rejected, because staying back and wondering can lead to regret later on in life, which is much, much worse than rejection. Plus, rejection or failure isn’t so bad if you learn from your mistakes and enjoyed the process regardless. Congrats on being FP! 🙂

  2. The way I see it is there is no harm in writing, even if you’re “not good enough”. I write a lot of songs (most of them crap), but I just keep writing and writing because eventually something amazing will happen. You’ll get into that sweet spot where things just flow and it all comes together.

    Write if it makes you happy, even if you’re not “with the times”. If you love what you’re doing, that’s what matters and if someone else loves it too – well that’s just the cherry on top.

    Cheers,
    Marie

  4. —>”the non-generation. I’m not a baby boomer. I’m not a Me. I’m too old to be a Gen-Xer. Or Y and Z for that matter.”

    This is so not true. Or if it is “true,” it’s not necessarily relevant to your writing voice. I believe you can remake your voice. With a little practice. Does writing purple prose style feel natural to you? Maybe it’s not your true voice. Have you ever sat and down and just wrote out your thoughts, stream of conscious style? You may not have a dramatic story, but in one of my college creative writing classes they actually said “write what you DON’T know!” There’s a book I have with exercises in it for writers. You can still write, even if you decide not to share it with others.
    My personal voice developed a lot in part to the fiction I read. Find a good contemporary author you identify with and chances are your inner voice, your writing voice, will start to morph! Good luck!

    • Thank you for this advice. I am still finding my voice. I’ve also been practicing stream of consciousness writing recently through a memoir workshop I’ve been taking.

      • It’s better than it used to be. I always said that I couldn’t do it, but the workshop gives us a prompt and then ten minutes to free write and I’ve been just writing whatever pops into my head, kind of like a babbling.

        Later on, I’ve been editing and posting some of those pieces.

        I do like it, though.

  6. Ovideer's avatar thepiedpiffler

    Shakespeare wrote from an age earlier than yours or mine, and the Shakespearean language is far from old or timid. In 1950, Gore Vidal would have been about 25 years old – old enough to be a parent, and yet his essays still ripple with power and will never cease to awe. These men’s command of language is unquestionable; if people reject them, the fault lies in the people. My point? People reject. To those who consider writing as an art form, writing does not reject. Writing is an art, and art is a reflection of the artist’s soul; a writer therefore cannot reject what he’s written unless it is contrary to his soul – or if it’s just plain bad. Writing only rejects people who think that writing is a popularity contest. What you’ve written, if it’s worth anything, will remain with you until death.

  7. No! I’m hearing regret all through this piece. It is as though writing won’t reciprocate your love because you are not ready to commit yourself fully. This muse doesn’t want you part time or half-heartedly, but with abandon, with the willingness to fall… and enjoy the fall, and write about the fall… and the landing… and discovering the wonders of where it brings you. It’s not too late and it’s not based on technology. It hasn’t passed you by; you haven’t fully fallen in love with it!

    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

    • Thank you for the advice and the congratulations. I appreciate the recommendation to fall; it is something my friend likes to do – push me off the cliff. Thanks again. 🙂

  8. Hey there! This was a brilliantly written piece! Writing doesn’t necessarily have to be something huge. It can just be your expression. Readers like me read, not for stories of drug abuse, molestation, troubled childhood or lives in general. Sure, they make great reading. But a friend once told me, read everything you get your hands on. It’s like getting to know a person. It’s an experience. Just let your thoughts, experiences, images all come out in words and I am sure there will be a lot of people like me who would love to read it!

  11. jonathanochart's avatar jonathanochart

    You just proved your stellar writing skills, and by beginning a blog, I think you left the old-world views behind. I feel that even today, people (like my family) frown down on me since I aim to become a writer, but writers cause change (for the betterment of society, most of the time). Thanks for sharing, and inspiring, the writing community. I doubt you’ll be rejected (:

    – Jonathan I http://styleoverstress.wordpress.com

  12. What a moving piece, especially the last few lines. This was anything but tired and old, I’m 21 and could relate to and appreciate your sentiments. I say jump over the ledge! I’m sure all the people commenting after me will agree 🙂

  14. Well, those who love deeply should, on some level, be willing to be crushed :). But out of the mess more goodness will come. It’s all a matter of perspective; it’s about valuing life even when it goes its own way. It’s about following after life; I don’t consider this unrequited, I consider this devotion. You can’t go wrong with caring, with pouring your heart into the unknown. You really can’t go wrong in pouring your heart out at all – the act of such selfless giving is a beauty unto itself – particularly in regards to writing.

    I can’t believe anybody here is going to tell you to be sensible about this business with your heart; from your post it seems you are pleasantly beyond that tyrannical age. The only person who can truly reject you now is you (I know, so different than what they taught in the 50s).

    I once placed a great deal of importance upon the notion of talent. Am I good enough to devote so much time to this “useless” practice? I no longer think this way or care for this oppressive question. The honest urge to practice the art is enough to justify the expense. For me, writing has been a uniquely civilizing force. Nothing else so consistently reminds me of my will to love.

  15. Oh honey, I’ve been there too. And ya know what? Screw ’em. Just do what you love. I, for one, think your writing is spot on (but then I was in elementary school in the fifties, lol). No, seriously, just keep doing what you’re doing. So far as those rejection letters go – they’re a dime a dozen. Good writers like yourself are much rarer and need to keep writing.

  16. It’s a pleasure to meet you. 🙂 I’m a writer too (aren’t we all these days?) and I do understand your complaints. it burdens me to see the world becoming so self-absorbed, and for me, it’s weird to see silent people who quietly “like” everything but do not speak. (Very weird. I’ll never get used to that.) I’m quite the opposite- I rarely “like” things, but comment and share my feedback. I think that’s far more valuable to a person than a mere click of a like-button.

    I must disagree with you, however, on one thing; writing did wait for you. 🙂 I’m able to pick up on the nostalgic, bittersweet regret and I think that’s just part of growing older. On the flip side of that coin, think of how the internet can be used to put your writing out there in a speed of lightening! (I apologize- I’m an eternal optimist and find the good in the bad- always.)

    I enjoyed your writing and appreciate your having shared it with the world.
    And no, staying back and being quiet is not better than being rejected again.

    Be rejected, and be bold. Learn and love and give your heart away to be broken.
    It will hurt- but the same salt that burns is the same salt that heals.
    Tears water the flowers of your heart…

    All the best.
    xo

    -Birgitta

  17. dianajoy7's avatar dianajoy7

    No, it isn’t. Not for me, anyway. I jumped. I’m still falling but I haven’t hit the ground yet. All I have to do now is catch that updraft.

  18. After this post you can rest assured that you are good enough. The difficult part is to keep the focus and determination. People I know who write, and who are successful are different from those who are not successful in only one thing: discipline: writing makes you a better writer.
    (hm, I did not mean to be preaching, although this may look like it :)) Keep up the good writing!

  19. Hey, its never too late. My relative went through the same thing a few weeks ago. She wanted to write, too. But her life didn’t let her. And I only want you to know one thing. Its never too late. And no wanna-be writer could’ve written what you did above. I think you are good enough. You should, too.

  23. There is no age limit or time warp on writing. Grab a Life Vest or a Parachute and jump right in to the warm waters of 2013!
    Rejection? It happens – to every one – writer or not. That critic sitting on your shoulder is holding you down, dump it when you take the plunge. Only then will you soar…..

  24. If you are too afraid to chase what you want for fear that it might not measure up in someone else’s eyes, you will never create anything truly unique.

    Be you. Chase this. For good or for bad, it will be what you created. It will be yours. It will be truly unique. And that much alone is a victory.

    I liked this a whole lot. Thank you for it.

  25. Well – having read this I then went on a wander on your blog and looked at `My Writings` expecting to read … well! Doubtless your comment was written in a fit of pique/rage but!!!!

  26. melorajohnson's avatar melorajohnson

    Well, I think you’ve just proved yourself wrong. Writing is sitting right alongside you, humming, patiently waiting for your attention. Enjoy the love affair.

  27. Pingback: Unrequited Love « LIPSTICK STAINS & CIGARETTE BURNS

  28. I understand what you mean about having “no story to tell”. No extreme struggles, no over-the-top drama. I am the same way. But I have to say, I am so thankful for that. In the world we live in now-a-days, that’s pretty unique and different. Extreme drama may be fun for fiction, but I’m glad it’s not my reality! 🙂 Insightful post!

  30. I truly loved reading this. In high school, my writing mentor actually told me once “I’m not sure you can be a successful writer, because you don’t have much pain in your life.” I, like you, have never drank or been abused or anything like that. I became ill after I got engaged, and while I don’t think my writing has changed much, the introduction of real pain into my life did make it almost impossible for me to do anything but write. When I am at my weakest, I can still put pen to paper.

    I hope you find writing again, and soon. And, I hope, you can also avoid pain, if possible. Excited to follow this blog and see what happens next.

  33. One is never too old to dream again, or rehash reoccurring dreams. There will be an audience for your unique angle of perception. Write, if only for yourself, write. Happy New year!

  34. it is not!
    beautiful author Elizabeth Gilbert posted this on her fb page quite recently:

    it’s worth doing it, trying, being rejected and going for it again and again but only if THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO 🙂
    is it?

  36. Writing is my first and deepest love. We write because we HAVE to, at least for me. It is not a “want”, it is a “need” desperate and true. It doesn’t pay the bills, but it has paid a bill. It doesn’t love me back, but it helps others love me back. Writing NEVER grows up, only the voice of the writer and with growth comes wisdom that should always be shared, even if no one seems to be listening (reading).

    If you fall, there will always be an ink well to land gracefully in and when you climb back out your stamp is bigger and more permanent.

  39. I identified with quite a few of the sentiments you expressed in this piece, but not all. We’re old, not dead. We are writers, and to paraphrase Charlton Heston, whom I would never quote unless absolutely necessary, “They can have my laptop when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.” There are times when I like what I’ve written, and times I think that it stinks on ice, but the one constant is that I am compelled to keep writing no matter what. I think you are, too. You’re good. Keep writing.

  45. My guess is – you’ve got to love it enough to jump, knowing that you will not fly. You will dash into a purple mess on the concrete, then wander the waste as a smelly and dreadful zombie, picking up all the shattered bits of pain you didn’t even know you had – the ones that are just part of the human condition (and because they are general and collective rather than specific to you, the pain will howl all the louder). Then when you’ve found all those pieces, and they assemble into a miraculous philosopher’s stone right there in your hands, you’ll come back to life as a writer with something to say.

    Err..not that I’ve actually…done that. Yes I have. It sucks. You’ve got to want it bad. (And that’s just becoming a person who can kind of write. When I actually finish something, I’ll let you know). 🙂

    FYI: this was a pretty goshdang great blog post. Sounded like a writer to me!

  46. “What if I catch up to writing and I’m just not good enough?” – having read your blog, I can confidently say that you have a way with words. I think you must take the plunge and take writing seriously 🙂

  47. Thea Dreem's avatar girlforgetful

    No guts, no glory. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you do nothing, nothing will happen. Someone(s) wrote these cliches, and look at all the mileage they’re getting. Just saying.

  49. Pingback: Some Encouraging Words on Writing | A Way With Words

Leave a reply to nandyreflects Cancel reply