“The commitment to help our poorest sisters and brothers is not an option, but an expression of our love for G-d.”

“…but also a turning toward our neighbor with a generous heart and empathetic spirit.”

“I will do a random act of kindness as an expression of my love for G-d.”

(the Living Gospel, March 28, 2014)

 

I’m having such a hard time concentrating on today’s readings. I read them easy enough, I had feelings that I thought I could express and then I started answering asks and reading things and getting frustrated.

I think the most frustrating thing is being called a liar. If only it were that easy to taint someone. Actually, it is that easy if you say it enough times. But the truth is, I’m not lying about this. I would even check my facts and have no problem admitting if I’m wrong, but lying? Really? Why would I want to have this argument when there are so many easier ones? Not to mention that the difference between my number and theirs doesn’t make a difference in what we’re discussing, and if you want to get into a pissing contest, I have absolutely no problem putting my integrity up against the other party.

And sadly, this is all in my head when I should be concentrating on G-d and Jesus and the next three weeks.

I have so much on my mind – that nervous excitement about the next few rituals. Will I trip? Will I be able to kneel this Sunday? My knees suck and I only fell over last Sunday. Can I carry the oil on Holy Thursday without dropping it? Will everyone come who I want to be there? I still need to send messages to four people. We’re going to visit our families before Easter. I have two doctors’ appointments and a mammogram that needs to be scheduled. My memoir workshop is starting next week. The workshop teacher has a book published so I need to come up with money to get that.

On the other hand, my almost-godmother keeps sending me inspirational cards that make me smile every time I read them. I’ve had more signs of hope this week than in the last two months. Doesn’t take the worry away but I’m in a better place. I printed out all those wonderful messages for my First Scrutiny and they also make me smile whenever I look at them, and I have all of the post-it notes from the likes from my becoming an Elect. (I’m going to do that again for the Vigil by the way.)

I have three books that I’ve taken out of the library for my Kindle and I bought a book that was on sale (free really because I still have a gift card) about baseball by David Halberstam. He was the commencement speaker for my college graduation.

Today’s act that they recommend is a random act of kindness. This was a nice reminder that I have promised my soda money to Random Acts, and once this posts, I will donate the $15 to them. As it says above, “a generous heart and an empathetic spirit” is really the way of Random Acts as well as their “commitment to help our poorest brothers and sisters…” If I have taken anything away from Supernatural it is finding this charity co-founded by Misha Collins. They embody everything I want to stand for in my life, and are a worthy place for my money (and yours). I won’t say extra money because no one has extra money, but what little I have goes to them, my church and our local volunteer fire department. We can all spare something. Give up one coffee or lunch per week. It’s not much, but for a small charity or organization, it adds up.

This Lent I am taking who I was, who I became when I joined this vast family and who I will become after my transformation at Easter. It is the one thing I can truly grasp about Easter. It was always something I tried to do in the Fall during Rosh Hashanah, but it wasn’t until attending and participating in Mass for the last two years and taking the examples of friends who showed me so many things and mixing that with the amazement I feel when a Scripture literally speaks to me, I have no doubt that I am finding myself and my place in the world.

Part of my path is of course, being vocal and open and talking about all of this and writing these posts that just flow from my mind and my heart.

I am getting ready for my first confession, and in the class on Salvation, I was told to kind of run down the Ten Commandments and that would give me an idea of what I need to ask forgiveness for. In reading today’s excerpts that I’ve shared with you, I also realize that I need to show myself some empathy and compassion. I am often hard on myself when I don’t need to be. I think we all are like that with ourselves, but I should show myself the compassion that others show me.

I have to find confidence in myself as well. There are things I want to ask for but I honestly don’t know if they are selfish or intrusive, and the waiting stirs up so much doubt in myself and in my relationships. I’m always afraid to step on toes, to say the wrong thing, to ask for too much. Waiting is not easy, but it can often be a constructive place to be for a little while.

The last time I waited for a long time, I read The Count of Monte Cristo. Today I am reading many books that are weirdly interconnected even though they really don’t seem like it. I think I want to do a writing exercise next week. I just have to figure out a day and a town to go to. If I do, I’m sure I will tell you all about it. In the meantime, I guess I did find something to write about. I hope it means something. Sometimes I never know.

On the card I just received there is a St. Francis deSales quote: “When you come before the Lord, talk to him if you can. If you can’t, just stay there, let yourself be seen. Don’t try too hard to do anything else.”

Don’t try too hard to do anything else. I think I might try that; not try too hard. Let’s see how that works.