Lent is a time of introspection, something that I’ve done much more in the last couple of years. I know I seem sadder or more upset, and there is not any one thing causing that. I put this note here because I do tend to say things that are just below what I really want to say or I lean towards the passive-aggressive, and this series, 40 Days of Lent explores a lot of deep seated feelings and emotions, and when a scripture or reflection hits home, I just go with the flow. I don’t want anyone to jump to conclusions when they read my innermost thoughts. They’re innermost for a reason. That said, any personal questions may be directed to me if you think that I’m referring to something specific that you’re concerned with.

These meditations are for me and sharing them benefits me with your feedback and love, and they may continue beyond Lent, but it is too early to say anything on that subject.

 

 

“Our needs are provided for when we provide for the needs of others.” (Living Faith, Mar. 17, 2014)

“Stop judging and you will not be judged. Stop condemning and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.” – Luke 6

“…quick to condemn and slow to retract…”

“I will pray for a generous and more compassionate heart.”

(the Living Gospel, Mar. 17, 2014)

 

I read these after an internal monologue of hurt and anger this morning. Getting up an hour before I needed to and on the wrong side of the bed after a freakish dream that wasn’t over will certainly do that to a person. Not to mention that in addition to whatever, my son missed the bus and his grades came in email. No one was a happy camper this morning.

Then I took a deep breath and sat down to remember why it was internal and not out loud and I re-read today’s passages.

Judging for me can be a reflex action. It just happens when feelings take over. I still feel like the last kid picked for the team, except I’m not the last picked – no one actually wants me; they’re just stuck with me. I can tell you countless times in the last six months that it’s felt this way despite any contrary statements. I’m not the life of the party, I’m barely noticeable and I really am out of sight, out of mind. After a couple of years of this, it makes me feel just a little bit paranoid.

I’m always on the peripheral, left out, an afterthought. It’s probably not even on purpose; I just don’t leave an impression.

When I do finally become included, I like it to continue. I give my whole heart. And when it’s not reciprocated or taken away, I’m afraid, and it makes me feel upset over little things, to parse every syllable, to analyze every comma in a message, to add tone where there is none, and more problems ensue; some of which can’t be fixed.

I know that I’m guilty of knee-jerk reactions, but the longer I meditate on my reasons, I see that a deep breath and a short wait brings about a little more clarity than what I started with.

To be fair, understanding something doesn’t always change those judgments I made. It’s easy to give advice and less easy for me to take it. It’s also possible that my judgments are correct, but it’s unfair to expect anything to change because of my feelings or desires when there are other, more important, factors.

I would consider myself a compassionate person. It’s definitely more of a natural fit now, but even so, my heart tends to be more compassionate than my actions. Even if I know what’s right, I still might need a push in the right direction.

I need to stop the knee-jerk reactions, the judgment and the condemnation even if it’s only in my own heart, and be more generous with my understanding and reaching out as its needed, not as I want to be needed.

I don’t count to ten, but a deep breath held for an extra moment or two does wonders to stopping the misplaced anger.