40 days of lent

Grumbles, Grumblies, Grumblr

Standard

Today’s homily was about grumbling. The Grumbles. Grumblies. Father J may have looked directly at me, but that may also have just been my guilty conscience. He was saying that we should have less grumblies. The Grumblies are those things that pick at your brain and land on your very last nerve, like typos or posts with your instead of you’re, captions that don’t match the picture or any number of things like leaving the toilet seat up or the tea kettle turned the wrong way.

If you follow my blog with any regularity, you all know that I am a grumbler. I grumble. I grumble a lot. Sometimes, well, no, that’s not fair; it’s always warranted, at least in my mind, but sometimes all it needs is an outlet. I post here. It gets ignored. I’ve actually cut back on the grumblies; I was becoming Peter and I did not want that. I do not want that. There are times that I need the comfort and the hugs and the shoulder to lean on, and asking for it is just too hard.

Another problem my grumblies have is in the need to get them out; it’s not always the best idea to name names. However, when not naming names, the problem is often misinterpretation as to the subject of the grumblies. Another downside is the common feeling that whatever is bothering me isn’t what’s been word-vomited and that leads to the assumption that it’s passive-aggressive. I will tell you a secret: It is almost never passive-aggressive.

I do know how it sounds, but sometimes, truly it is just the truth coming out and there is only one way to say it, like tearing the band-aid off, but in my world, I don’t want to hurt anyone, so I hem and I haw and I stall and stammer, and grumble here and grumble there, and talk circles around the real matter-at-hand that in the end no one knows what the problem is, but everyone is all pissed off and there is a new conundrum, and no one knows how that happened. But I guarantee, with 85% accuracy that I was not being passive-aggressive.

You know, there’s stuff that’s been going on for many, many weeks. Only a handful of people know what it’s about, and I would hazard to guess that even they’re in the dark because I don’t talk about it. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. So I grumble.

I want to fix things. I want to say things, so I only say half of what I wanted to say – dipping my toe in the water as it were and I end up with my foot in my mouth. I apologize and try again with more words, with explanations that are so wordy and twisty that a contortionist would feel at home in my sentence. And I do it again, and I hope that all I get is my own foot in my mouth as opposed to someone else’s foot up my ass.

I stay quiet when I should speak out, and a mole hill becomes a mountain. And I grumble. And no one listens. And at some point it comes to a head.

In this particular case, today’s instance is more complicated than when I usually do this. There’s baggage. There’s misunderstanding. There are private issues that I can’t grumble about. There is consideration that I need to give, but sometimes it bothers me that I feel as though no consideration for my issues is given to me. I’m expected to step back, to take the deep breath, to wait, and for the most part, that’s okay because I try to know where that expectation is coming from, but some days are harder than others, and this is one of those days.

The stress is piling on with family and teenager and what’s for dinner and mother in law (who is truly the easiest person to get along with in the world), sorting out my sister’s schedule, Easter and church and wow, it’s next week already, and I have more appointments and yesterday’s doctor’s visit was a bit more intense than I planned on and now I’ve got more appointments for blood work and tests, and today I hit a wall.

I could feel the misplaced snark, but not snark, more like it’s nasty cousin, and the anger that had no place, and I needed to just shut up, which I did. Mostly. But it’s pent up, and instead of a full blown volcanic eruption, I released little currents of steam, drips of hot lava and tumblr grumblrs.

I’m not even sure if it helps me.

I know what I want.

I want someone to read my mind. To tell me what I’m thinking and that it will be alright, and I can ask anything again and say anything and it will be alright, and normal is a horrible word, but I want normal, even if normal is a little different. I want it back. I’m trying so hard not to be a jackass that I’m being a jackass, aren’t I?

Babble, babble, grumble.

I’m reading Ashley Judd’s memoir and I’ve said this week, in some places, it is just too much. Too much emotion, too much spirituality that is too familiar and so a bit heartrending, too much pain. I think of how lucky I was, and am, and so much of the emotional upheaval and depression from her, I feel, and I feel as though her recovery tools might be helpful for me, so I might try a couple. Parts of it I’m finding intense and stressed. I could use a massage after this book.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, but more than that it’s a New Day and I have a chance to try again. Maybe I’ll get up the courage to send a message, to ask the question, to say the words.

In the meantime, I will have Mass, which is a balm on my heart, and I have my Memoir Workshop and before this weekend I will ask someone for a hug. Not anyone off the street, but I will walk in and ask someone for a hug, and that will get me through for a short bit.

It will be alright, right?

Empathetic Spirit

Standard

“The commitment to help our poorest sisters and brothers is not an option, but an expression of our love for G-d.”

“…but also a turning toward our neighbor with a generous heart and empathetic spirit.”

“I will do a random act of kindness as an expression of my love for G-d.”

(the Living Gospel, March 28, 2014)

 

I’m having such a hard time concentrating on today’s readings. I read them easy enough, I had feelings that I thought I could express and then I started answering asks and reading things and getting frustrated.

I think the most frustrating thing is being called a liar. If only it were that easy to taint someone. Actually, it is that easy if you say it enough times. But the truth is, I’m not lying about this. I would even check my facts and have no problem admitting if I’m wrong, but lying? Really? Why would I want to have this argument when there are so many easier ones? Not to mention that the difference between my number and theirs doesn’t make a difference in what we’re discussing, and if you want to get into a pissing contest, I have absolutely no problem putting my integrity up against the other party.

And sadly, this is all in my head when I should be concentrating on G-d and Jesus and the next three weeks.

I have so much on my mind – that nervous excitement about the next few rituals. Will I trip? Will I be able to kneel this Sunday? My knees suck and I only fell over last Sunday. Can I carry the oil on Holy Thursday without dropping it? Will everyone come who I want to be there? I still need to send messages to four people. We’re going to visit our families before Easter. I have two doctors’ appointments and a mammogram that needs to be scheduled. My memoir workshop is starting next week. The workshop teacher has a book published so I need to come up with money to get that.

On the other hand, my almost-godmother keeps sending me inspirational cards that make me smile every time I read them. I’ve had more signs of hope this week than in the last two months. Doesn’t take the worry away but I’m in a better place. I printed out all those wonderful messages for my First Scrutiny and they also make me smile whenever I look at them, and I have all of the post-it notes from the likes from my becoming an Elect. (I’m going to do that again for the Vigil by the way.)

I have three books that I’ve taken out of the library for my Kindle and I bought a book that was on sale (free really because I still have a gift card) about baseball by David Halberstam. He was the commencement speaker for my college graduation.

Today’s act that they recommend is a random act of kindness. This was a nice reminder that I have promised my soda money to Random Acts, and once this posts, I will donate the $15 to them. As it says above, “a generous heart and an empathetic spirit” is really the way of Random Acts as well as their “commitment to help our poorest brothers and sisters…” If I have taken anything away from Supernatural it is finding this charity co-founded by Misha Collins. They embody everything I want to stand for in my life, and are a worthy place for my money (and yours). I won’t say extra money because no one has extra money, but what little I have goes to them, my church and our local volunteer fire department. We can all spare something. Give up one coffee or lunch per week. It’s not much, but for a small charity or organization, it adds up.

This Lent I am taking who I was, who I became when I joined this vast family and who I will become after my transformation at Easter. It is the one thing I can truly grasp about Easter. It was always something I tried to do in the Fall during Rosh Hashanah, but it wasn’t until attending and participating in Mass for the last two years and taking the examples of friends who showed me so many things and mixing that with the amazement I feel when a Scripture literally speaks to me, I have no doubt that I am finding myself and my place in the world.

Part of my path is of course, being vocal and open and talking about all of this and writing these posts that just flow from my mind and my heart.

I am getting ready for my first confession, and in the class on Salvation, I was told to kind of run down the Ten Commandments and that would give me an idea of what I need to ask forgiveness for. In reading today’s excerpts that I’ve shared with you, I also realize that I need to show myself some empathy and compassion. I am often hard on myself when I don’t need to be. I think we all are like that with ourselves, but I should show myself the compassion that others show me.

I have to find confidence in myself as well. There are things I want to ask for but I honestly don’t know if they are selfish or intrusive, and the waiting stirs up so much doubt in myself and in my relationships. I’m always afraid to step on toes, to say the wrong thing, to ask for too much. Waiting is not easy, but it can often be a constructive place to be for a little while.

The last time I waited for a long time, I read The Count of Monte Cristo. Today I am reading many books that are weirdly interconnected even though they really don’t seem like it. I think I want to do a writing exercise next week. I just have to figure out a day and a town to go to. If I do, I’m sure I will tell you all about it. In the meantime, I guess I did find something to write about. I hope it means something. Sometimes I never know.

On the card I just received there is a St. Francis deSales quote: “When you come before the Lord, talk to him if you can. If you can’t, just stay there, let yourself be seen. Don’t try too hard to do anything else.”

Don’t try too hard to do anything else. I think I might try that; not try too hard. Let’s see how that works.

It’s Not Easy Letting Things Go

Standard

Yesterday’s reflection was about forgiveness.

Today’s homily was about what is most important and Jesus says: Above all else, love G-d with all your heart, mind & soul and second take that love and love one another.

My devotional asked: How do I make decisions about what is right and what is wrong?

I worry about this all the time.

How do I put things or actions in the right column or the wrong column, and not everything is so cut and dried, is it?

I’ve mentioned before in one of these that I do hold grudges. I still get a twinge when I think of certain people, and I’m not feeling particularly charitable, and that makes me feel bad. I try to let things go, but sometimes it’s not easy.

I’ve confided in people and then had them betray me with that information. I had a woman yell at my infant son when he was learning to walk and would fall down on the carpet in our second floor apartment above hers. This is no exaggeration. I have finally let it go, mainly because it’s not worth holding onto.

A few years ago, I met someone with this generous philosophy, and it was foreign to me. I mean, no, of course, don’t have a grudge, but if someone wrongs you why is it wrong to be angry and to hold onto it for a little while? In the last few years, I’ve seen my way and this more compassionate way side by side, and I will tell you that I’ve been the one to change. I have changed, and definitely for the better.

That doesn’t mean perfect; it does mean better.

I can see more clearly the rationale of not holding the grudge, of not having anger be the default, of letting things go when you can, and of compassion and forgiveness, which I’m finding seem to be running themes during this Lenten season.

I’ve always been able to see the other side, but putting myself on the other side to see what’s happening and why things are happening – well, it’s much harder, but it is better in the long run for my friendships, my personality and my blood pressure.

I will still get angry. I will still feel entitled, and want to argue or lash out or say it’s not fair when it’s not. But I have also learned to take a deep breath.

I have learned to look through other people’s eyes.

I have learned to listen.

I have not learned patience – that is one of the three things I pray for every day.

I have learned to be selective in what I do get upset about: choose your battles wisely we are told.

Yesterday, I talked about signs of hope. I’ve seen at least three this week. That doesn’t make what’s going on with me easier, but it pushes me out to the next day, and lets me calmly assess and calmly question, and every day is a new day.

A clean slate.

At least I try to wipe away yesterday’s hurt, or yesterday’s wrong, and move forward.

I will ask for answers. I will hope that I can continue to speak my mind. I’ve always been allowed to, and I will hope that hasn’t changed.

At the end of the week, I will ask for forgiveness on things that I have done and more than just apologize for them, a deeper apology will be offered and forgiveness will be sought.

This is more than just getting ready for my first confession. There are real people who I owe things to. I’ve reached out to some already. There are still one or two more.

First, I need to look at myself, and see what I’ve done that’s right and wrong and then I can seek out, and hope that it will all be okay.

Love G-d and love your neighbor. I’ve seen it done by people I’m close to. It’s not impossible. I can do it too.

Lenten Reflections

Standard

Lent is a time of introspection, something that I’ve done much more in the last couple of years. I know I seem sadder or more upset, and there is not any one thing causing that. I put this note here because I do tend to say things that are just below what I really want to say or I lean towards the passive-aggressive, and this series, 40 Days of Lent explores a lot of deep seated feelings and emotions, and when a scripture or reflection hits home, I just go with the flow. I don’t want anyone to jump to conclusions when they read my innermost thoughts. They’re innermost for a reason. That said, any personal questions may be directed to me if you think that I’m referring to something specific that you’re concerned with.

These meditations are for me and sharing them benefits me with your feedback and love, and they may continue beyond Lent, but it is too early to say anything on that subject.

 

 

“Our needs are provided for when we provide for the needs of others.” (Living Faith, Mar. 17, 2014)

“Stop judging and you will not be judged. Stop condemning and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.” – Luke 6

“…quick to condemn and slow to retract…”

“I will pray for a generous and more compassionate heart.”

(the Living Gospel, Mar. 17, 2014)

 

I read these after an internal monologue of hurt and anger this morning. Getting up an hour before I needed to and on the wrong side of the bed after a freakish dream that wasn’t over will certainly do that to a person. Not to mention that in addition to whatever, my son missed the bus and his grades came in email. No one was a happy camper this morning.

Then I took a deep breath and sat down to remember why it was internal and not out loud and I re-read today’s passages.

Judging for me can be a reflex action. It just happens when feelings take over. I still feel like the last kid picked for the team, except I’m not the last picked – no one actually wants me; they’re just stuck with me. I can tell you countless times in the last six months that it’s felt this way despite any contrary statements. I’m not the life of the party, I’m barely noticeable and I really am out of sight, out of mind. After a couple of years of this, it makes me feel just a little bit paranoid.

I’m always on the peripheral, left out, an afterthought. It’s probably not even on purpose; I just don’t leave an impression.

When I do finally become included, I like it to continue. I give my whole heart. And when it’s not reciprocated or taken away, I’m afraid, and it makes me feel upset over little things, to parse every syllable, to analyze every comma in a message, to add tone where there is none, and more problems ensue; some of which can’t be fixed.

I know that I’m guilty of knee-jerk reactions, but the longer I meditate on my reasons, I see that a deep breath and a short wait brings about a little more clarity than what I started with.

To be fair, understanding something doesn’t always change those judgments I made. It’s easy to give advice and less easy for me to take it. It’s also possible that my judgments are correct, but it’s unfair to expect anything to change because of my feelings or desires when there are other, more important, factors.

I would consider myself a compassionate person. It’s definitely more of a natural fit now, but even so, my heart tends to be more compassionate than my actions. Even if I know what’s right, I still might need a push in the right direction.

I need to stop the knee-jerk reactions, the judgment and the condemnation even if it’s only in my own heart, and be more generous with my understanding and reaching out as its needed, not as I want to be needed.

I don’t count to ten, but a deep breath held for an extra moment or two does wonders to stopping the misplaced anger.

Reconciliation

Standard

“…go first and be reconciled with your brother…” – Matthew 5

Next week is my class on reconciliation and salvation. I think they will teach me how to do my first confession, and Lent is chock full of reminders to become reconciled. In addition to the verse above, there is also the Scripture about the plank in your eye. I had to hear that one three times before I understood what it meant. I interpret it as another way to say ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’

One of the biggest problems I had as a teacher was forcing kids to say they were sorry when they hurt another child. I would never do it. What’s the point? They don’t mean it. I felt it was always better to explain to them how the other person felt and ask them what they thought about it. Nine times out of ten they apologized on their own or made some other gesture that expressed sorrow. I’ve tried this with my own kids to limited success. You have to model and hope it sticks.

I am also a grudge keeper; was. It’s a short list, but a fist-clenching one. Over the last few years, before I found my way to the church, I began to change. Not so much more forgiving as much as letting go more. I cannot express to you the positive change in me. Letting go of the grudges took so much anger out of me; anger that I didn’t know I had. It was just lying there barely below the surface, and it was a relief to be able to say that it wasn’t that as significant as I was making it out to be. It should not, and would no longer have a stranglehold on me. It didn’t deserve that much power.

Just as Lent started last week, I sent out three emails. I still have one to do, perhaps more than that. Two of them were an attempt at reconciliation. I’m waiting for a response from one, but for me the point wasn’t a response. The point for me was to express where I thought the trouble was and how I wanted to fix it along with a regret for where we are. I hoped as I re-read them that it wasn’t one of those I’m sorry if you were offended apologies. I don’t like those. It has nothing to do with if you thought you were offended; it was that you were offended. Or hurt. Or insulted. Or anything that was felt by the other party.

The other email sent was one that I don’t send often enough; the expression of how much someone means to me. I don’t often say it to all of the people who deserve it. I pray daily for a select group of people. They have their individual slots when the Father recites the intercessions. I’ve decided to continue to do emails like this one as signs point to certain people. Again, it isn’t for the satisfaction of an answer, it is for me to know that I’m expressing my gratitude in ways that I should do outside of Lent.

Of course, I get angry. Everyone gets angry, but now I have perspective. One of my problems with thinking about forgiveness is my long memory. It is a curse when there are things you want to forget in order to forgive and can’t get rid of them, but I still try to put them aside, and for the most part, I can do that now. I credit two people in addition to my walk with Jesus and G-d.

It was a long time coming, but in the last three years, I’ve found it a much better path to travel. My peace benefits everyone around me. I’m less likely to jump on every word, I think before I speak, and I let things go that are so inconsequential they shouldn’t bother me in the first place.

Lent is a time for me to think about who I want to reach out to, whether I’ve treated them badly or not as good as I should have. It allows me to think about how I approach things and gives me the chances to fix them, to adjust my thinking. It lets me appreciate and show my gratitude for people who are there for me who I don’t thank as often as I should. I think of them often. I’m grateful to them. I ought to say it more often.

A Door Opens

Standard

I am still impressed with how many individual pieces are put together to create an easy meaning in my daily life.

From today’s Psalm: “Lord, on the day I called for help, you answered me.”

This one is actually not so surprising. When I arrived in church two years ago, I was looking for help and I was answered. Over the last two years, I have continued to ask and I have continued to be answered in different ways, not always the ways I expected.

“Ask and it will be given you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7)

We are told that when one door closes, another one opens and to be on the lookout for the opportunity when it does come knocking. So many clichés in one line, but we remember them because they mean something. They give us something to look for; to prepare for.

As part of the meditations for today, I am reminded that there are things that shouldn’t be hurried including opening a door that’s not ready to be opened. If it’s locked, it won’t open easily, and if you force it open, it might slam shut in your face. When that door finally opens, we will know it’s the right time and we are relieved. If we open it too soon, we are not always ready for what lies beyond the threshold.

I’m also reminded today that when I ask for help, the answer doesn’t come immediately. I am impatient. I need immediacy. But waiting does have its advantages.

There is a bit of time to think. There is time to find more questions for when the timing to ask them is right. There is time to pause and prioritize. For the most part, time is on my side. I just have to trust that.

I pray for some things and some people daily. Among my faults that I try to rectify through G-d’s intercession is asking for help for myself especially for patience, courage, and strength. These three things can get me through, and when they can’t, I ask for more and it is often given. Not always right away, but meted out as I need it.

Today, I was given something that could have hurt me, but it left me with hope and imparted the strength to go one more day. It was a small thing, but it meant something.

Simplicity

Standard

True prayer is simple and sincere.

Growing up, I was uncomfortable with prayer. I preferred to talk to G-d about what was going on in my life and ask for things that I needed help with. It was a good system. I didn’t have to think about the vastness of G-d and universe, and certainly no one ever talked to me about Jesus except with the yearly reminder at Christmas.

When I first went to church, I read that day’s verse. It hit a little close to home and I cried. I sat there for two hours wondering what I should do, how to make things right. I talked about my problems, I asked what I should do, but it wasn’t until, almost involuntarily instead of asking for something for myself, I asked for my friend.

Once I was taken out of the equation, a warmth and calm washed over me. It was tangible. My eyes dried and I sat for only a few more minutes and knew that whatever happened, it would be alright.

Simple and sincere.

I am once again at a place where simple and sincere are my watchwords. This is not easy for me. I’m wordy. So afraid of offense, I talk around the issue and apologize before I need to, sometimes when I don’t need to at all and the sincerity gets lost in all the wasted spaces. I need to convey feelings, and they are so complex that the extra words are already forming and the reader will get tired of them as soon as they start reading. I need to be simpler. The subject is simple; why can’t the message be?

Simple and sincere.

If I remember that in many instances in my life, it will give me great reward. One of the things I will practice here before I get too wordy.

The Words of My Mouth, The Thoughts of My Heart

Standard

Some days I find something in each reading, and they mesh together and amaze me with their insight.

There’s a great book that I got for free when I first got my Kindle called Under the Tamarind Tree by John Harricharan. It has motivationals and pithy quotations. What I found that worked really well with this book was to randomly pick a page or a location as Kindle operates and read that section. I find that it gives me more message awareness by being random rather than reading the pages in the order they were written.

Today’s: “You meet people for two reasons, one is to learn something from them and the other is for them to learn something from you.”

I say this all the time about my friends on Tumblr. My eyes have been opened to many things. It doesn’t mean that we will agree on all the things and that we won’t argue or debate, but the amount that I learn is astounding. The inspiration I receive is energizing. The continued encouragement I receive is motivating. I’ve had people thank me for my small contributions. I would say that my two biggest influences, other than individual friends are the Daydverse and Tumblr and I will probably write a bit more about each later during these forty days.

In the beginning of this first week of Lent, I am still finding my sea-legs so to speak. I see things in everything and my spiritual compass is spinning like a top; it doesn’t know which end is up or why I suddenly end up in that misty, joyful place and want to share my journey with the world.

I’m still trying to form the feelings into words and so I repeat myself a lot. I talk about why I started attending Mass, why I’ve taken the forks in the road that I’ve taken, the influence of my best friend, which you will see in today’s passages.

Some highlights from the passages in The Living Gospel: Daily Devotions for Lent 2014 by Theresa Rickard, March 10:

“Let the words of my mouth and the thought of my heart find favor before you…” – Psalm 19:15

“…when we respond with compassionate action to human need, we are responding to Christ.”

“…act with loving care…”

“…instead of refraining from buying a piece of clothing during Lent, we will buy a set of new clothing for a needy person…”

“…do one thing today to help a person in need.”

 

“Let the words of my mouth and the thought of my heart find favor before you…”

I often carry more in my heart than I can express. Some things aren’t meant to be expressed through words, but through deed. However, as a writer, often words are all I have. I can only hope to reconcile the thoughts, the deeds and the words into what I truly want them to be. It takes practice. And I need plenty more of it.

“…when we respond with compassionate action to human need, we are responding to Christ.”

“…act with loving care…”

When I was in college, it was common practice to car pool and to have your passengers pay for your gas. When I finally had a car, I couldn’t wait to offer rides for the extra money. My father had one of the biggest shit-fits I have ever experienced over this. Why was I asking for gas money? Well, Dad, I need to put gas in the car and then drive the girl home. Isn’t her house along the route to ours? Yes. You’re passing her house anyway; why do you need extra gas for that? Hmm.

He didn’t say it would be compassionate for you to drive her because it’s on your way home anyway. He expressed why he thought I was wrong and suggested in his own way how I could (and should) be compassionate and kind on my own. He always went out of his way for people regardless of the cost to himself.

I never forgot that. It was one of the many lessons my father gave me. He was a quiet man with a funny streak a mile long. But he was EF Hutton. When he told you something, it was quiet, and you leaned in to hear it, and it required deeper thinking. It was important. And it was remembered.

Recently, as many of you know, my friend has been going through a trying time. We are usually in contact with the descriptor ‘often’ being a drastic understatement. When he realized this would change, he knew this would do ridiculously negative things to my anxiety, and wanted to reassure me and make sure that I would be okay, and he set up an art trade where I received a Starbucks card so when I needed a time out, I had one. This is only the most recent compassionate act he’s done for me, and he’s taught me much more.

“…instead of refraining from buying a piece of clothing during Lent, we will buy a set of new clothing for a needy person…”

This was one of my Lenten commitments. I gave up soda for Lent, and had already decided to take the money that I would have spent on soda (which is a lot more than you would think) and donate that to Random Acts. I will be doing that early next week. Random Acts is the epitome of compassion and kindness. They not only do things for others, they inspire others to do things. They are truly doing G-d’s work and if you’re looking for a worthy charity, I would recommend them heartily.

“…do one thing today to help a person in need.”

The cornerstone of Lent is prayer, fasting and almsgiving. Almsgiving is not only the giving of money. It is also the giving of time and talent. Sometimes that person in need is someone from Tumblr who comes to your inbox looking for comfort or a hug. Sometimes it is a phone call in the middle of the night. Sometimes it’s helping one of the elderly ladies to her car after Mass.

There are so many things that can be done that fit into your budget and lifestyle as well as changing for the better that Lent is helping us focus on. I can feel changes that remained with me from last Lent, and I know things will remain with me when this Lent is finished.

I will talk much more about my journey, my reflections on Lent and my friends who have encouraged and sustained me and who I try to do the same for. This Lent is especially meaningful for me. I’m writing so much about it that I know I’m repeating things I’ve already written and will again trying to get the right tone, and maybe at the end of forty days I’ll have something worth reading if I manage to put it all together. In the meantime, I will continue with these daily missives and hope they make some semblance of sense; not just for you, but also for me.